Sunday, August 2, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Not sure...
I went down to flat rock on Wednesday after class because we got out early... I just sat there alone for about an hour and a half just watching the water, listening to City and Colour. I cried my eyes out, but it felt so great to just let it go. I thought after that I'd feel a huge sense of relief, getting the crying out of me. But, I came home after that and my mom called and she was just dumb so I hung up on her. I started crying terribly at the end of our conversation and it went on and on and on and I couldn't stop crying. I cried hysterically, could barely breath, for over an hour. I just sat on my living room floor crying. I had absolutely no control. I kept begging that someone would open my front door and just fucking hold me and tell me it's okay. And it just didn't happen. Of course it didn't.
I hate being in this house. Everything here reminds me of Luke. Everything. But, I have no where to go. Nothing to do. Work and school are the only things I have. I want to go home so badly and just get out of here and clear my head for a few days... but it's just not in the cards for me. I've got to write the introduction to my research this weekend, 3 pages NO FLUFF. And next weekend if the floor set at work, so I'll be working a lot. I need to get out of here though. For more than a day.
I ignored my mom after I hung up on her for a while. I ignored a few calls that night and texts. Then the next day, yesterday, I ignored her calls again and finally texted her saying I was busy and she said to call as soon as I wasn't. I didn't. She called and called and I didn't answer. I just don't want to talk about this. I spoke to her Monday when I left the police station the first time and that was it. I was so angry for no reason. She didn't do anything, didn't say anything... I was just so upset and felt so alone that I literally just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to her because I assumed I'd know what she'd say... "You'll be fine , eventually. Just move on. It isn't worth being like this over. Don't mess up school." and I just didn't want to hear it. I didn't want a lecture.
I finally answered her call last night around 11:30 and I finally just let it all spill out. But I only spilled the beans AFTER she told me that she IMed Luke and spoke to him on Monday night, without telling me first. I was so annoyed. I was SO angry at her for doing that. But I think I was more jealous that she spoke to him. I felt a lot better once we got off the phone. I still had no idea what to do or how to deal... but I knew how I felt. And even though I'm completely terrible at showing someone how I feel, at least I know how I feel is real.
I was fine yesterday for the most part. Except when I was completely alone, about to make dinner... standing in my kitchen completely alone, about to eat, completely alone, and spend the night home, completely alone.
But, like everyone's saying... it will all be fine, eventually. And I haven't figured out how that is supposed to make me feel any better right now.
I laid awake in bed last night until crazy hours this morning. I went to bed at 8am when I had to be awake for work at 9:30. I haven't had a single good nights sleep this week. I just want to fall asleep feeling good and wake up looking forward to the day. I haven't had that in a while...
I hate being in this house. Everything here reminds me of Luke. Everything. But, I have no where to go. Nothing to do. Work and school are the only things I have. I want to go home so badly and just get out of here and clear my head for a few days... but it's just not in the cards for me. I've got to write the introduction to my research this weekend, 3 pages NO FLUFF. And next weekend if the floor set at work, so I'll be working a lot. I need to get out of here though. For more than a day.
I ignored my mom after I hung up on her for a while. I ignored a few calls that night and texts. Then the next day, yesterday, I ignored her calls again and finally texted her saying I was busy and she said to call as soon as I wasn't. I didn't. She called and called and I didn't answer. I just don't want to talk about this. I spoke to her Monday when I left the police station the first time and that was it. I was so angry for no reason. She didn't do anything, didn't say anything... I was just so upset and felt so alone that I literally just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to her because I assumed I'd know what she'd say... "You'll be fine , eventually. Just move on. It isn't worth being like this over. Don't mess up school." and I just didn't want to hear it. I didn't want a lecture.
I finally answered her call last night around 11:30 and I finally just let it all spill out. But I only spilled the beans AFTER she told me that she IMed Luke and spoke to him on Monday night, without telling me first. I was so annoyed. I was SO angry at her for doing that. But I think I was more jealous that she spoke to him. I felt a lot better once we got off the phone. I still had no idea what to do or how to deal... but I knew how I felt. And even though I'm completely terrible at showing someone how I feel, at least I know how I feel is real.
I was fine yesterday for the most part. Except when I was completely alone, about to make dinner... standing in my kitchen completely alone, about to eat, completely alone, and spend the night home, completely alone.
But, like everyone's saying... it will all be fine, eventually. And I haven't figured out how that is supposed to make me feel any better right now.
I laid awake in bed last night until crazy hours this morning. I went to bed at 8am when I had to be awake for work at 9:30. I haven't had a single good nights sleep this week. I just want to fall asleep feeling good and wake up looking forward to the day. I haven't had that in a while...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where do we go from here...
God these last few weeks have been hell. Breaking up with Luke was easy at first and it's progressively gotten worse and worse and it's now been over two weeks since it happened.
We ended up having to go to the police station this past Monday night. The cop that we were originally dealing with wouldn't file a complaint, said that as of right now, there were no direct threats to my safety so until something happens they can't really do anything. I left nearly shaking and in tears. I sat in my car crying on the phone and Luke eventually came out and walked by my car and had the balls to blow me a kiss and smile. That imagine keeps playing over and over in my head and it's tearing me apart. How can he be so heartless? How can he be so manipulative? How can he do what he did and laugh because he thinks he got away with something?
Not even 30 minutes after getting home after that, I was called and asked to come back down to the police station. I sat with 5 cops on at that point and explained my story and every single one, at different points said something to the affect of "What were you doing with THIS GUY?" and I just felt so embarassed saying I cared and trusted him. How could I have so dumb to allow myself to fall for him. I was there for nearly two hours, they reported a harassment 2 charge against him, I opted to NOT have him arrested, just wanted a report. I don't know why at the point I was STILL concerned about his well being, not wanting him to get in trouble. The cops didn't understand either.
How can someone look you DEAD in the eyes not even two weeks prior to something like that and say "I love you" and say everything in the world positive about you, telling you they want the best for you and care so much about you... after you're already broken up. Then less than two weeks later, they do that. They take back everything they said and felt. I know it wasn't the case that Luke was "in love" with me from the beginning so there wasn't much to take back... but still. The cruelty in his heart is something that disgusts me.
And after all of this... it's been so difficult for me to stop thinking about him and stop going over every detail of what happened. Everytime I think I'm okay, I feel my chest tighten and I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I sat on my couch last night talking to Matt for a few hours about the situation and I had to keep stopping because the tears were flooding my eyes and I couldn't stand to let someone see me so broken. I hate that I am so torn up over this. I shouldn't even care. I was so miserable with him. SO MISERABLE. He was such a douchebag. I knew I was going to break up with him for a few days before I actually did it. I can't believe I TRUSTED him and then he did this.
How can someone tell you that you mean so much and then wake up the next morning and tell you that you are the spawn of satan and they hope you fail at everything and get aids and die. I've NEVER in my life been involved in a situation like this. Every break up I've had has been civil. I've kept in touch with nearly every person in my life that I've dated, not that theres been many... but never in my life have I ever had to deal with someone like Luke. THE POLICE!? HARASSMENT CHARGES!? HAVING THE CHOICE TO HAVE SOMEONE ARRESTED!? Over what!? Over a 4 month relationship break up!? Over jealousy!?
And the worst part is that I miss having him around. I haven't been alone in my house for longer than 30 minutes since this started happening on Sunday. And tonight will be the first day I'll be alone. I came to the library to sit on the internet so I wouldn't feel alone. I can't even THINK about being home alone. I'm going to break down.
I'm not trained to deal with anything like this. But, I suppose no one is. I honestly feel broken. I couldn't even be in price chopper yesterday because I kept looking over my shoulder, half hoping I'd see him and half dreading ever seeing him again. What do I do? I feel like throwing up from the thought of being in the same room as him. How can you miss someone so much but hate someone so much all at the same time? How can you possibly miss someone after knowing and experiencing what Luke did to me? What Luke HAS been doing for months.
With you on my mind
And my heart held in your hands
Screaming
Break me
Break me
Oooh, oh
We ended up having to go to the police station this past Monday night. The cop that we were originally dealing with wouldn't file a complaint, said that as of right now, there were no direct threats to my safety so until something happens they can't really do anything. I left nearly shaking and in tears. I sat in my car crying on the phone and Luke eventually came out and walked by my car and had the balls to blow me a kiss and smile. That imagine keeps playing over and over in my head and it's tearing me apart. How can he be so heartless? How can he be so manipulative? How can he do what he did and laugh because he thinks he got away with something?
Not even 30 minutes after getting home after that, I was called and asked to come back down to the police station. I sat with 5 cops on at that point and explained my story and every single one, at different points said something to the affect of "What were you doing with THIS GUY?" and I just felt so embarassed saying I cared and trusted him. How could I have so dumb to allow myself to fall for him. I was there for nearly two hours, they reported a harassment 2 charge against him, I opted to NOT have him arrested, just wanted a report. I don't know why at the point I was STILL concerned about his well being, not wanting him to get in trouble. The cops didn't understand either.
How can someone look you DEAD in the eyes not even two weeks prior to something like that and say "I love you" and say everything in the world positive about you, telling you they want the best for you and care so much about you... after you're already broken up. Then less than two weeks later, they do that. They take back everything they said and felt. I know it wasn't the case that Luke was "in love" with me from the beginning so there wasn't much to take back... but still. The cruelty in his heart is something that disgusts me.
And after all of this... it's been so difficult for me to stop thinking about him and stop going over every detail of what happened. Everytime I think I'm okay, I feel my chest tighten and I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I sat on my couch last night talking to Matt for a few hours about the situation and I had to keep stopping because the tears were flooding my eyes and I couldn't stand to let someone see me so broken. I hate that I am so torn up over this. I shouldn't even care. I was so miserable with him. SO MISERABLE. He was such a douchebag. I knew I was going to break up with him for a few days before I actually did it. I can't believe I TRUSTED him and then he did this.
How can someone tell you that you mean so much and then wake up the next morning and tell you that you are the spawn of satan and they hope you fail at everything and get aids and die. I've NEVER in my life been involved in a situation like this. Every break up I've had has been civil. I've kept in touch with nearly every person in my life that I've dated, not that theres been many... but never in my life have I ever had to deal with someone like Luke. THE POLICE!? HARASSMENT CHARGES!? HAVING THE CHOICE TO HAVE SOMEONE ARRESTED!? Over what!? Over a 4 month relationship break up!? Over jealousy!?
And the worst part is that I miss having him around. I haven't been alone in my house for longer than 30 minutes since this started happening on Sunday. And tonight will be the first day I'll be alone. I came to the library to sit on the internet so I wouldn't feel alone. I can't even THINK about being home alone. I'm going to break down.
I'm not trained to deal with anything like this. But, I suppose no one is. I honestly feel broken. I couldn't even be in price chopper yesterday because I kept looking over my shoulder, half hoping I'd see him and half dreading ever seeing him again. What do I do? I feel like throwing up from the thought of being in the same room as him. How can you miss someone so much but hate someone so much all at the same time? How can you possibly miss someone after knowing and experiencing what Luke did to me? What Luke HAS been doing for months.
With you on my mind
And my heart held in your hands
Screaming
Break me
Break me
Oooh, oh
Friday, May 29, 2009
Well, it certainly didn't take long....
I broke up with Luke last night (Wednesday night). It sucked when he came over to get his stuff... but, that's life. It was only four months, so it wasn't a massive portion of time. I almost feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. No more worrying. No more fighting. No more having to TRY to be happy.
No more compromising myself or my happiness for someone else's satisfaction or gain.
Brownies, grilling, puppies, frisbee, movies in Auburn on Saturday night. Be there or be square.
Rob, you best feel better so you and Sierra can enjoy the afternoon with us.
I broke up with Luke last night (Wednesday night). It sucked when he came over to get his stuff... but, that's life. It was only four months, so it wasn't a massive portion of time. I almost feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. No more worrying. No more fighting. No more having to TRY to be happy.
No more compromising myself or my happiness for someone else's satisfaction or gain.
Brownies, grilling, puppies, frisbee, movies in Auburn on Saturday night. Be there or be square.
Rob, you best feel better so you and Sierra can enjoy the afternoon with us.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
I just read my last post and I was right.
a) The show on the 5th was AWFUL. I didn't say one word to Matt the entire time and it was the most awkward time I've had for as long as I can remember.
b) Matt texted me the morning after the show saying he didn't deserve the way I treated him at the show and I agreed and apologized. We've been good since then.
c) Just like in Matt's "who i'd like to meet" section he posted for a few days.... we are going to Slingshot Dakota together.
d) I finally got to see The Effort the other day and it was awesome. And I was with Matt and Rob from about 1:00pm-2:00am and then I drove Matt from Syracuse all the way home to Auburn then I drove myself home to Oswego afterwards and got home at 4:00am nearly. Seeing The Effort and Reckless Days, running errands in Cuse with Matt, sitting in the pizza shop talking for HOURS, then going to Rob's to play an edge game of Apples to Apples was the best night I could have asked for. And the fact that my cell phone was dead the entire time made it that much better.
e) Tomorrow Casey is meeting me at Hollister when I get out at 5:00 and we're going to Cuse to meet Matt and Jake at the Westcott. Then we're going to Rob's school and watching his Lacrosse game at 6:00. Then we're all going to see Slingshot back at the Westcott at 8:30. So stoked on tomorrow.
f) I like lettering my paragraphs. It feels organized.
g) I'm fucking lame, hahahaha.
a) The show on the 5th was AWFUL. I didn't say one word to Matt the entire time and it was the most awkward time I've had for as long as I can remember.
b) Matt texted me the morning after the show saying he didn't deserve the way I treated him at the show and I agreed and apologized. We've been good since then.
c) Just like in Matt's "who i'd like to meet" section he posted for a few days.... we are going to Slingshot Dakota together.
d) I finally got to see The Effort the other day and it was awesome. And I was with Matt and Rob from about 1:00pm-2:00am and then I drove Matt from Syracuse all the way home to Auburn then I drove myself home to Oswego afterwards and got home at 4:00am nearly. Seeing The Effort and Reckless Days, running errands in Cuse with Matt, sitting in the pizza shop talking for HOURS, then going to Rob's to play an edge game of Apples to Apples was the best night I could have asked for. And the fact that my cell phone was dead the entire time made it that much better.
e) Tomorrow Casey is meeting me at Hollister when I get out at 5:00 and we're going to Cuse to meet Matt and Jake at the Westcott. Then we're going to Rob's school and watching his Lacrosse game at 6:00. Then we're all going to see Slingshot back at the Westcott at 8:30. So stoked on tomorrow.
f) I like lettering my paragraphs. It feels organized.
g) I'm fucking lame, hahahaha.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
fml, im so dumb and such an asshole
Driscoll's "Who I'd like to meet" section that he changed the other night after we 'talked'....
Who I'd like to meet:
Somebody who-
x. who never stops smiling
x. is willing to talk to me for hours on end
x. loves the smell of campfire
x. who sleeps for 50% of the day
x. who owns the most comfortable bed
x. who can sit through Top Gun on VHS with me
x. who watches High Fidelity too much and can quote the entire film
x. who will take their shoes off and walk under waterfalls
x. who can put me in place when I brag about flying
x. who can handle how much of a dork I am
x. who can make me smile when I'm at my worst
x. who will go to Slingshot Dakota with me
If this person exists, tell them I'm waiting for them and ready to show them the best time of their life...
And then ... mattallmetal (5:43:48 AM): i had been going in my profile for 2 days straight and just changing an extra space in my "who i want to meet" just so maybe you would notice that i changed it
...... I'm so tired of being an asshole ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
The show on the 5th is going to be fucking awful. I'm so stoked that I got The Knockdown playing so Fatman will be here and the guys are crashing with me again. But, Knuckle Dragger is on the show too, with me as an influence I'm sure, and.... I'll be there, clearly Driscoll will be, and Luke will be too. Why do I feel like this is always the case with me? Gah.
Who I'd like to meet:
Somebody who-
x. who never stops smiling
x. is willing to talk to me for hours on end
x. loves the smell of campfire
x. who sleeps for 50% of the day
x. who owns the most comfortable bed
x. who can sit through Top Gun on VHS with me
x. who watches High Fidelity too much and can quote the entire film
x. who will take their shoes off and walk under waterfalls
x. who can put me in place when I brag about flying
x. who can handle how much of a dork I am
x. who can make me smile when I'm at my worst
x. who will go to Slingshot Dakota with me
If this person exists, tell them I'm waiting for them and ready to show them the best time of their life...
And then ... mattallmetal (5:43:48 AM): i had been going in my profile for 2 days straight and just changing an extra space in my "who i want to meet" just so maybe you would notice that i changed it
...... I'm so tired of being an asshole ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
The show on the 5th is going to be fucking awful. I'm so stoked that I got The Knockdown playing so Fatman will be here and the guys are crashing with me again. But, Knuckle Dragger is on the show too, with me as an influence I'm sure, and.... I'll be there, clearly Driscoll will be, and Luke will be too. Why do I feel like this is always the case with me? Gah.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
meh.
I'm bummin' tonight man. I upset Driscoll and it drives me crazy that I HAD to do that. I saw no other option though...
I'm so exhausted and I have Quest Day events I want to attend tomorrow. I'm on call for work tomorrow, but I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to go because I want to go to the seminar at 11:30 on Carl Jung real bad.
Working at Hollister has gotten better. I've gotten to know a few people and have been talking to my manager Sean a lot which has been nice. I'm gonna spend the summer working there then I'm going to try to find something new come August once jobs are hiring again just before all the college kids come back. I certainly can't work at Hollister with a chest piece, can I?
Driscoll was drawing me up a tattoo that HE was going to tattoo on me. Even though we're still speaking, I doubt we'll hang to do that.
The semester is over in two weeks tomorrow for me. I cannot believe it flew by this quickly. My grades are really good... I'm happy about that. My summer course starts the end of May and will run until July 4th. It'll be nice to be done with that and have a month and a half to just hang out. Not that a three time a week evening course is going to get in the way of anything, ha.
Ninja's being adorable, I'm gonna pay attention to him and go to sleep, solo.
I'm so exhausted and I have Quest Day events I want to attend tomorrow. I'm on call for work tomorrow, but I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to go because I want to go to the seminar at 11:30 on Carl Jung real bad.
Working at Hollister has gotten better. I've gotten to know a few people and have been talking to my manager Sean a lot which has been nice. I'm gonna spend the summer working there then I'm going to try to find something new come August once jobs are hiring again just before all the college kids come back. I certainly can't work at Hollister with a chest piece, can I?
Driscoll was drawing me up a tattoo that HE was going to tattoo on me. Even though we're still speaking, I doubt we'll hang to do that.
The semester is over in two weeks tomorrow for me. I cannot believe it flew by this quickly. My grades are really good... I'm happy about that. My summer course starts the end of May and will run until July 4th. It'll be nice to be done with that and have a month and a half to just hang out. Not that a three time a week evening course is going to get in the way of anything, ha.
Ninja's being adorable, I'm gonna pay attention to him and go to sleep, solo.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tomorrow is Fatman's show at The Raven. I am so unbelievably stoked to see him. I've been waiting MONTHS to go see the knockdown play and to just chill with Fatman all night. We are going to rage hard tomorrow night. So stoked on seeing them all.
Saturday Driscoll is coming into town and we're going to hang all day/night. Should be a good time.
Sunday is Easter and my mom might be coming into town. I think she has spring break this upcoming week so perhaps she'll stay for a few days. That'd be enjoyable.
Working at Hollister fucking blows, for the record. The people, the job, everything. I don't know how Steve Baby does it. I'm already looking for a new job.
Oooof. I miss Mr. Button.
Saturday Driscoll is coming into town and we're going to hang all day/night. Should be a good time.
Sunday is Easter and my mom might be coming into town. I think she has spring break this upcoming week so perhaps she'll stay for a few days. That'd be enjoyable.
Working at Hollister fucking blows, for the record. The people, the job, everything. I don't know how Steve Baby does it. I'm already looking for a new job.
Oooof. I miss Mr. Button.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Almost that time of the year...
So I was sitting in class early this evening and I glanced out the window to see the sun just beginning to set. The warm colors it was projecting all around outside made me feel a sense of utopia. I felt completely at ease. I'm crossing my fingers that the temperatures warm up quickly and summer breaks out soon.
Aside from the snow today, so strange, the weathers been gorgeous. I've been able to wear short sleeves and flip flops. I drove the other afternoon for a while, windows down listening to Minus the Bear, enjoying the breeze flowing in my window and out the others. I felt alive for the first time in a while. I'm done with the cold, with the snow... I want to be outside and bask in the sun.
Luke and I went walking on Saturday afternoon on the east side. We walked for over an hour, and went to flatrock on the East side and sat and talked. I can't wait til the weather is like that everyday, all day. Casey and I ventured to flat rock yesterday to relieve some of her stress and we got caught in a rain storm which was kind of exciting in itself.
I applied at Hollister on Wednesday out of desperation of needing a job. The manager set up an interview as I was filling out the application on the computer. I was interviewed on Friday by the assistant manager, and he tentatively hired me on the spot. This morning I got the call from the store manager confirming me being hired. I start next week. So although Hollister may not be my ideal job, it is a job, and it will be fun, and I will meet some interesting people... and well, again, it's a job. I'm excited. When I think Hollister, I naturally think of the beach and of summer... so I feel that it may be the perfect job for the time of the year we're approaching.
I also secured a house for this summer and next year. Christian and I were looking to find a place together, but the place he found didn't allow pets but I urged him to live there regardless because it was too good of a deal to pass up. As it stands right now, I am living in a two bedroom house, alone, for now. The place has been empty for about a year now because the landlord redid the entire place. There is tile flooring throughout the house except in the bedrooms and living area. I have my own washer/dryer and I have a dishwasher, which I doubt I'll really use. The place is absolutely gorgeous. There's a granite area to eat at in the kitchen overlooking the living room. I am thrilled to be living in this place and if for some reason I decide to go to graduate school in Oswego, I would love to stay in this place for the following two years. My lease begins in May, which is strange for college living, but that means I have an entire month to move out of the house I am in now into the new house because my lease here isn't over until June.
Like I said... I'm feeling very at peace right now. Things are a bit crazy, but I'm feeling calm and ready to handle whatever comes my way. Summer does that to me. I'm very excited.
And for the record, London was just fantastic. I wish I never had to leave and I also wish I wasn't on such a SCHEDULE while there. But, it was great none the less. I was talking with Matt Driscoll yesterday about traveling and my trip to London has really made me want to just pick up and GO for a month or two and see where I end up. I would love to do that.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I leave tomorrow for London. I'm home in Rockland for the night and my mom is bringing me to JFK tomorrow. I'm very, very excited to be out of Oswego, out of New York... out of AMERICA.
I already feel 100 times better. I've been so stressed with school for the last two weeks... this is exactly what I needed. I can only imagine that after my trip to London and spending some time home, I will be FRESH when I return to school.
Bags are packed, ipod is charged, books are picked out to be read on the plane right. I am stoked, to say the very least.
I already feel 100 times better. I've been so stressed with school for the last two weeks... this is exactly what I needed. I can only imagine that after my trip to London and spending some time home, I will be FRESH when I return to school.
Bags are packed, ipod is charged, books are picked out to be read on the plane right. I am stoked, to say the very least.
=)
Monday, March 2, 2009
completely drained.
my entire body and mind is completely wiped out.
this paper is honestly kicking my fucking ass.
i just want it to be done and over with already.
but once its done, i need to revise my philosophy paper due thursday.
and tomorrow i have a quiz is my psych stats class, fail.
tonight i had a midterm in my counseling class, aced it.
i feel like my work load lately is never ending.
especially compared to the lack of work i've had so far this semester.
once this week is done, on thursday, i'm off to london for a week.
london is going to be a fucking blast, minus the 9am wake up calls.
and guess what happens after im back from london next sunday?
philosophy midterm on tuesday, philosophy paper due thursday.
social psych midterm on tuesday as well.
again, never fucking ending.
and after london, i'm going to be in deperate need of a job, so ill more than likely get a job.
which means, my free time will automatically be cut in half, then add school work.
wah wah wah, right?
on the bright side, i am really happy.
and the paper im writing is so interesting.
and this past weekend was such a fucking blast.
friday i hung with luke, then went out with everyone that was up for the weekend.
saturday i slept in, got panera, ran errands, got dinner with luke and watched star wars.
and yesterday i spent the day in the library working on my paper.
all in all, it was a solid, successful, happy weekend.
i am just wiped out currently.
tomorrow i have a 10am wake up call, then get ready, then library by 10:30.
im going to work on my paper for two hours, then class 12:40-5:15.
then straight back to the library to work on my paper until the library closes at 11.
hopefully by then, my paper will be completely finished.
wednesday i have lab at 9am, then revising that paper and printing it to be turned in at 4:30.
also, before my 4:30 class, i need to edit my philosophy paper that is due thursday.
then once i am out of my FINAL london class of the semester at 6:00,
i will be spending the evening winding down with the luke monster.
and then thursday i will look over my philosophy paper that is due at 12:40...
then class 12:40-5:15, then home to pack for my london trip and get a good nights rest.
friday morning i am driving home and then London.
im not sure why i wrote this entry like this, or why i wrote it at all.
i should be fucking sleeping already. bedtime was 2am, its now 2:20am.
mikey d asked me to his formal, by the way, tonight. i said yes.
strange that ill be going to a greek life activity, sorta.
its now been since... september of last semester.
but its zbt, so its quite alright. they're like brothers to me, always have been.
minus josh kohn, fuck that moron.
also, i called verizon yesterday afternoon and had brians number blocked, officially.
i feel really good about that. all ties are cut off. i mean, i can still run into him, but i can avoid it.
luke luke luke. i want his company right now.
this paper is honestly kicking my fucking ass.
i just want it to be done and over with already.
but once its done, i need to revise my philosophy paper due thursday.
and tomorrow i have a quiz is my psych stats class, fail.
tonight i had a midterm in my counseling class, aced it.
i feel like my work load lately is never ending.
especially compared to the lack of work i've had so far this semester.
once this week is done, on thursday, i'm off to london for a week.
london is going to be a fucking blast, minus the 9am wake up calls.
and guess what happens after im back from london next sunday?
philosophy midterm on tuesday, philosophy paper due thursday.
social psych midterm on tuesday as well.
again, never fucking ending.
and after london, i'm going to be in deperate need of a job, so ill more than likely get a job.
which means, my free time will automatically be cut in half, then add school work.
wah wah wah, right?
on the bright side, i am really happy.
and the paper im writing is so interesting.
and this past weekend was such a fucking blast.
friday i hung with luke, then went out with everyone that was up for the weekend.
saturday i slept in, got panera, ran errands, got dinner with luke and watched star wars.
and yesterday i spent the day in the library working on my paper.
all in all, it was a solid, successful, happy weekend.
i am just wiped out currently.
tomorrow i have a 10am wake up call, then get ready, then library by 10:30.
im going to work on my paper for two hours, then class 12:40-5:15.
then straight back to the library to work on my paper until the library closes at 11.
hopefully by then, my paper will be completely finished.
wednesday i have lab at 9am, then revising that paper and printing it to be turned in at 4:30.
also, before my 4:30 class, i need to edit my philosophy paper that is due thursday.
then once i am out of my FINAL london class of the semester at 6:00,
i will be spending the evening winding down with the luke monster.
and then thursday i will look over my philosophy paper that is due at 12:40...
then class 12:40-5:15, then home to pack for my london trip and get a good nights rest.
friday morning i am driving home and then London.
im not sure why i wrote this entry like this, or why i wrote it at all.
i should be fucking sleeping already. bedtime was 2am, its now 2:20am.
mikey d asked me to his formal, by the way, tonight. i said yes.
strange that ill be going to a greek life activity, sorta.
its now been since... september of last semester.
but its zbt, so its quite alright. they're like brothers to me, always have been.
minus josh kohn, fuck that moron.
also, i called verizon yesterday afternoon and had brians number blocked, officially.
i feel really good about that. all ties are cut off. i mean, i can still run into him, but i can avoid it.
luke luke luke. i want his company right now.
Monday, February 23, 2009
It was just a few months ago when I told Steve Edge I was ready to 'date' someone. God, am I glad I didn't truly think that because that would have been a disaster. I've been so much happier being single, not 'seeing' anyone or anything of the sort for the past few months. It's been great being free to my own thoughts and emotions, not having to worry about somebody else or what is going on with them.
I'm listening to Tegan and Sara for the first time in a while. It's strange how music directly links to a specific point in time and how when you listened to it, you are back in that situation. It's such a great sense of nostalgia. Tegan and Sara makes me remember waking up with Mike those couple of times at my place and the first thing we did was grab for the computer to rush to their myspace and listen to their music while doing the whole checking the email thing. And also driving downtown in Cuse with him. Shits nuts. I'm no longer down about what happened, for the record. I'm not even sorry anymore. I did the right thing for me. Even if I did things differently, nothing would have been different. I don't care what he said, or anyone else says, he wouldn't have cared regardless of the timing. And that's that. I felt guilty for a while and I beat myself up over it. It was brutal. And I'm just not doing it anymore because it, he, is certainly not worth the trouble.
I pushed myself to go out this weekend after those few rough days. It was nice seeing Amy and Casey even though I only stayed for an hour and a half and then ditched to hang with Luke. Positive people are exactly what I needed and it's exactly what I got. Pretty sure Amy and I have some sort of unset plans this week, which will be good to say the least. Heather will be in town this weekend and I am very excited for that. I haven't seen her in ages. Her wedding is in September. That is just crazy. Stoked to spend a night or two with her. Then, London is next week.
I'm semi stressed about London. I don't have too many things planned outside of the class tours, which takes up half of the time to begin with. I know I will be visiting a few stadiums that I'm writing about but other than that... I'm very open. The girl I am rooming with seems pretty cool and I'm sure her and I will venture together. She approached me last class about vegetarian/organic eating in London, so at least I have someone else to eat with over there.
I'm very ready for spring/summer time already. I'm over the snow. I'm over not wanting to get out of bed because I know that once I do, I will freeze. I cannot wait to just be outside just for the sake of being outside. I just want to LAY in the park and enjoy the sun and the breeze. I hope this summer tops last. Even though I spent last summer with seriously, the DEVIL, it was a great summer. Beach, jet skiing, parks, dogs, boating, road trips... it was good. I hope Casey will be in town this summer again. We were good company for each other last summer. I miss her but it's so rough hanging out with my friends now that I am 100% not involved in sorority life. Especially times like now, now that pledging has started. I want nothing to do with that and I don't want the new girls knowing who I am on that level so I want to stay away at all costs. It'd be nice to have things to do though... but all their lives are consumed.
Amy might be going to grad school here, if she doesn't get into a school on LI. I would be extremely happy if she stayed here. It sure is going to be lonely next year. Everyone is graduating for the most part, if they haven't already. I should be too, whoops?
I've been in contact with a few landlords since I haven't signed a lease for next year, still. Right now I'm feeling that itch. I want to move around again... I'm not satisfied with staying here but I know at this point, I've got to stick it out one more year just so I get my undergrad done. I found some solid one bedroom apartments for under $400, two with utilities included. I was planning to sign a lease this week but now that Amy is halfway considering staying in Oswego for grad school, I'm going to push the signing off until after I'm back from London. Hopefully she'll know by the end of March what she's doing. I think living alone would be for the best though. I've never really been able to get along with living with someone.
I really thought my sleeping patterns would be back on track after this weekend. Fail. Epic fail. I went to sleep early on Thursday night and woke up around 8:30am on Friday because Luke kind of woke me up. I wish I stayed awake all day, but I napped... but I still was able to go to sleep early Friday night. But, I napped again Saturday afternoon! Then Saturday night Luke and I both passed outttttt while watching a movie and we both came to around 8:45 this morning. If I had stayed awake after Luke left, I would have been golden. But, I fell back asleep around noon until nearly 4. Now it's going on 4am and I'm wired. I laid down, lights out, at midnight... no luck. Texted for a bit, tried again, no luck. Everyone is asleep, except me. Which is rare because I've had Luke to talk to at ridiculous hours for the last month.... but he's asleep. Bummer. I'm contemplating staying awake all day and then DYING after my class tonight. But, I don't know if I'll make it. It's only 4. Even if I lurk the internet, eat breakfast, and shower... it won't kill enough time until the library opens.
Speaking of the damn library. I really need to get a move on my paper for my London class. It is due not this Wednesday but next Wednesday. I convinced him to let me write about UK Football with a focus on London based teams and London subculture... I need to do a good job. I haven't even started. I meant to this weekend, just never did. I want it DONE before Heather gets here so that I'm not stressing out about it. Especially because I have my first counseling exam next Monday that I need to get a fucking A on. Once I find my sources for the paper, I know I'll do a fantastic job. I've just never had to use sources strictly from the library... I don't even know how to find books in the suny library. fml, right? Technically I'm about a senior now... and I've never had to use library sources. Go figure. That's NYS education for you. I'm hoping to get all my sources gathered tomorrow and Tuesday and then begin writing Wednesday and then spend my freetime Wednesday and Thursday writing. Then Friday I don't have classes so I can spent the entire day finalizing everything so that I can enjoy my last weekend here before London.
Womp Womp. Who really cares about all of this bullshit? Not I.
You know who I miss? Robert Manley Button III. Now that you have your liscense, you can drive to see me... and meet Ninja. Yes? K cool thanks. It's been about two weeks since I saw you. Actually, two weeks today (Sunday). NOT COOL.
I need to find something to do. Perhaps I'll just read for a few hours.
afjafjadslfjaofrjmwra,;odfm
Someone kill some time for me.
I'm listening to Tegan and Sara for the first time in a while. It's strange how music directly links to a specific point in time and how when you listened to it, you are back in that situation. It's such a great sense of nostalgia. Tegan and Sara makes me remember waking up with Mike those couple of times at my place and the first thing we did was grab for the computer to rush to their myspace and listen to their music while doing the whole checking the email thing. And also driving downtown in Cuse with him. Shits nuts. I'm no longer down about what happened, for the record. I'm not even sorry anymore. I did the right thing for me. Even if I did things differently, nothing would have been different. I don't care what he said, or anyone else says, he wouldn't have cared regardless of the timing. And that's that. I felt guilty for a while and I beat myself up over it. It was brutal. And I'm just not doing it anymore because it, he, is certainly not worth the trouble.
I pushed myself to go out this weekend after those few rough days. It was nice seeing Amy and Casey even though I only stayed for an hour and a half and then ditched to hang with Luke. Positive people are exactly what I needed and it's exactly what I got. Pretty sure Amy and I have some sort of unset plans this week, which will be good to say the least. Heather will be in town this weekend and I am very excited for that. I haven't seen her in ages. Her wedding is in September. That is just crazy. Stoked to spend a night or two with her. Then, London is next week.
I'm semi stressed about London. I don't have too many things planned outside of the class tours, which takes up half of the time to begin with. I know I will be visiting a few stadiums that I'm writing about but other than that... I'm very open. The girl I am rooming with seems pretty cool and I'm sure her and I will venture together. She approached me last class about vegetarian/organic eating in London, so at least I have someone else to eat with over there.
I'm very ready for spring/summer time already. I'm over the snow. I'm over not wanting to get out of bed because I know that once I do, I will freeze. I cannot wait to just be outside just for the sake of being outside. I just want to LAY in the park and enjoy the sun and the breeze. I hope this summer tops last. Even though I spent last summer with seriously, the DEVIL, it was a great summer. Beach, jet skiing, parks, dogs, boating, road trips... it was good. I hope Casey will be in town this summer again. We were good company for each other last summer. I miss her but it's so rough hanging out with my friends now that I am 100% not involved in sorority life. Especially times like now, now that pledging has started. I want nothing to do with that and I don't want the new girls knowing who I am on that level so I want to stay away at all costs. It'd be nice to have things to do though... but all their lives are consumed.
Amy might be going to grad school here, if she doesn't get into a school on LI. I would be extremely happy if she stayed here. It sure is going to be lonely next year. Everyone is graduating for the most part, if they haven't already. I should be too, whoops?
I've been in contact with a few landlords since I haven't signed a lease for next year, still. Right now I'm feeling that itch. I want to move around again... I'm not satisfied with staying here but I know at this point, I've got to stick it out one more year just so I get my undergrad done. I found some solid one bedroom apartments for under $400, two with utilities included. I was planning to sign a lease this week but now that Amy is halfway considering staying in Oswego for grad school, I'm going to push the signing off until after I'm back from London. Hopefully she'll know by the end of March what she's doing. I think living alone would be for the best though. I've never really been able to get along with living with someone.
I really thought my sleeping patterns would be back on track after this weekend. Fail. Epic fail. I went to sleep early on Thursday night and woke up around 8:30am on Friday because Luke kind of woke me up. I wish I stayed awake all day, but I napped... but I still was able to go to sleep early Friday night. But, I napped again Saturday afternoon! Then Saturday night Luke and I both passed outttttt while watching a movie and we both came to around 8:45 this morning. If I had stayed awake after Luke left, I would have been golden. But, I fell back asleep around noon until nearly 4. Now it's going on 4am and I'm wired. I laid down, lights out, at midnight... no luck. Texted for a bit, tried again, no luck. Everyone is asleep, except me. Which is rare because I've had Luke to talk to at ridiculous hours for the last month.... but he's asleep. Bummer. I'm contemplating staying awake all day and then DYING after my class tonight. But, I don't know if I'll make it. It's only 4. Even if I lurk the internet, eat breakfast, and shower... it won't kill enough time until the library opens.
Speaking of the damn library. I really need to get a move on my paper for my London class. It is due not this Wednesday but next Wednesday. I convinced him to let me write about UK Football with a focus on London based teams and London subculture... I need to do a good job. I haven't even started. I meant to this weekend, just never did. I want it DONE before Heather gets here so that I'm not stressing out about it. Especially because I have my first counseling exam next Monday that I need to get a fucking A on. Once I find my sources for the paper, I know I'll do a fantastic job. I've just never had to use sources strictly from the library... I don't even know how to find books in the suny library. fml, right? Technically I'm about a senior now... and I've never had to use library sources. Go figure. That's NYS education for you. I'm hoping to get all my sources gathered tomorrow and Tuesday and then begin writing Wednesday and then spend my freetime Wednesday and Thursday writing. Then Friday I don't have classes so I can spent the entire day finalizing everything so that I can enjoy my last weekend here before London.
Womp Womp. Who really cares about all of this bullshit? Not I.
You know who I miss? Robert Manley Button III. Now that you have your liscense, you can drive to see me... and meet Ninja. Yes? K cool thanks. It's been about two weeks since I saw you. Actually, two weeks today (Sunday). NOT COOL.
I need to find something to do. Perhaps I'll just read for a few hours.
afjafjadslfjaofrjmwra,;odfm
Someone kill some time for me.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
hmm... It's been quite a while since I've written in here. I haven't felt the urge to.
Things have still been great since whenever I wrote last. Jay visited again, it wasn't so great the second time around. I was a huge douchebag the entire weekend. It made me realize how much I value my space and time alone. It was so bad at one point that I lied and said I needed to poop and I took my laptop into my bathroom and just sat in there for 10 minutes online. I just wanted to be left alone. And one of the nights I pretended to be really tired so that we'd relax because I knew he'd fall asleep, so that I could go online and bullshit like I usually do. I hate entertaining friends so much. It's not bad if it's for a night or something... but for a weekend!? I find it very difficult to go an entire weekend with someone by my side. And it's even worse that he's from out of town so he doesn't really know anyone other than my friends. But, it's whatever. I felt bad that I was so crappy but can't change that now.
I've spent a lot of time with Luke lately, which has been really nice for a change. It's good having someone around again that I can have legit convos with that aren't about "so and so did this, so and so said this" kind of stuff. We don't have mutual friends so there's no friend drama or anything like that. Though, my sleeping patterns have been severly fucked for the last three weeks because of the amount of time Luke and I spent talking/hanging. I'm up til 6am the earliest every night and the other night, I fell asleep around 10:20am and had to be up at 10:45 for class.
It's been rough, the lack of sleep, but it's the best thing that's happened in months. After everything that happened back in November it's been tough to escape that situation, especially because the people that are closest to me know about it so they constantly ask about it. I'm finally now to the point where I feel okay with what happened, finally. I've kind of worked it out in my head and have come to terms with it. I feel good.
Classes have been out of this world amazing. It's crazy how much someone can change their attitude about something in such a short period of time. Even the class that is boring as hell and so easy, psych stats, has become something that I take pride in because it is so easy to me and I know it's not for everyone. I'm really shooting for a 3.5 or higher this semester. The only class I see as a true challenge is my phl 442 class because the professor is extremely strict on writing and the class is based off of discussion and papers. She said the first week that she's going to try to treat the class like her grad classes because it is a 400 level class and she figures anyone in the class will eventually go onto grad school. Which, was exciting to me because I knew it'd be a challenge but at the same time, it is going to be a CHALLENEGE. I'm ready for it though.
I leave in three weeks today for London. Literally, three weeks. I am so stoke on that. It is going to be such a freakin' great time. I'm leaving my cell phone turned off the entire time. It's going to be amazing to just get AWAY for a while. We're doing so many awesome things and I'm going on my own to do some AWESOME things. I cannot wait to go. We have to keep a journal while we over there so I will probably post that.
So, it's valentines day today. Luke and I were up real late last night, of course, and I slept til late afternoon today. I've just been hanging with Ninja all day. I got a package today from Jason. He send me a teddy the size of me and some chocolate and sour gummy worms. So good. Last night after Luke and I got back here, we were sitting in my living room and he randomly gets up and grabs paper and a pen from my room and won't show me what he's doing and a bit later, he comes out, makes me close my eyes and stick out my hand and he puts a card in my hand. It was crazy cute. It was the best home made card I've ever gotten, that's for sure. I hung it on my wall.
Luke's definitely a one of a kind dude, in more than one way. I'm fortunate to have met him. He's one of those people you meet that even if you want to, you will never ever forget. I hope he gets out of this shit hole town soon.
I need to head off. I have some work I should do and I need to get a start on my papers. My paper for London is going to be difficult. I convinced my professor to allow me to write about London football clubs and the subculture of that scene. He wasn't too sure how he felt about it because he wasn't sure how many legit sources I'd find, but I convinced him to let me work on it for a week and show him what I've found and if it's up to his standards, I could write about it and if not, I'd change my topic. I need to find some kick ass books and articles before Wednesday.
And I'm off...
Things have still been great since whenever I wrote last. Jay visited again, it wasn't so great the second time around. I was a huge douchebag the entire weekend. It made me realize how much I value my space and time alone. It was so bad at one point that I lied and said I needed to poop and I took my laptop into my bathroom and just sat in there for 10 minutes online. I just wanted to be left alone. And one of the nights I pretended to be really tired so that we'd relax because I knew he'd fall asleep, so that I could go online and bullshit like I usually do. I hate entertaining friends so much. It's not bad if it's for a night or something... but for a weekend!? I find it very difficult to go an entire weekend with someone by my side. And it's even worse that he's from out of town so he doesn't really know anyone other than my friends. But, it's whatever. I felt bad that I was so crappy but can't change that now.
I've spent a lot of time with Luke lately, which has been really nice for a change. It's good having someone around again that I can have legit convos with that aren't about "so and so did this, so and so said this" kind of stuff. We don't have mutual friends so there's no friend drama or anything like that. Though, my sleeping patterns have been severly fucked for the last three weeks because of the amount of time Luke and I spent talking/hanging. I'm up til 6am the earliest every night and the other night, I fell asleep around 10:20am and had to be up at 10:45 for class.
It's been rough, the lack of sleep, but it's the best thing that's happened in months. After everything that happened back in November it's been tough to escape that situation, especially because the people that are closest to me know about it so they constantly ask about it. I'm finally now to the point where I feel okay with what happened, finally. I've kind of worked it out in my head and have come to terms with it. I feel good.
Classes have been out of this world amazing. It's crazy how much someone can change their attitude about something in such a short period of time. Even the class that is boring as hell and so easy, psych stats, has become something that I take pride in because it is so easy to me and I know it's not for everyone. I'm really shooting for a 3.5 or higher this semester. The only class I see as a true challenge is my phl 442 class because the professor is extremely strict on writing and the class is based off of discussion and papers. She said the first week that she's going to try to treat the class like her grad classes because it is a 400 level class and she figures anyone in the class will eventually go onto grad school. Which, was exciting to me because I knew it'd be a challenge but at the same time, it is going to be a CHALLENEGE. I'm ready for it though.
I leave in three weeks today for London. Literally, three weeks. I am so stoke on that. It is going to be such a freakin' great time. I'm leaving my cell phone turned off the entire time. It's going to be amazing to just get AWAY for a while. We're doing so many awesome things and I'm going on my own to do some AWESOME things. I cannot wait to go. We have to keep a journal while we over there so I will probably post that.
So, it's valentines day today. Luke and I were up real late last night, of course, and I slept til late afternoon today. I've just been hanging with Ninja all day. I got a package today from Jason. He send me a teddy the size of me and some chocolate and sour gummy worms. So good. Last night after Luke and I got back here, we were sitting in my living room and he randomly gets up and grabs paper and a pen from my room and won't show me what he's doing and a bit later, he comes out, makes me close my eyes and stick out my hand and he puts a card in my hand. It was crazy cute. It was the best home made card I've ever gotten, that's for sure. I hung it on my wall.
Luke's definitely a one of a kind dude, in more than one way. I'm fortunate to have met him. He's one of those people you meet that even if you want to, you will never ever forget. I hope he gets out of this shit hole town soon.
I need to head off. I have some work I should do and I need to get a start on my papers. My paper for London is going to be difficult. I convinced my professor to allow me to write about London football clubs and the subculture of that scene. He wasn't too sure how he felt about it because he wasn't sure how many legit sources I'd find, but I convinced him to let me work on it for a week and show him what I've found and if it's up to his standards, I could write about it and if not, I'd change my topic. I need to find some kick ass books and articles before Wednesday.
And I'm off...
Sunday, February 1, 2009
When I fall asleep, I'm at fucking peace...
Things have been great since I've been back up in Oswego. Jason's visit last weekend was nice. Show was good. Hung with my stud muffin Robert Manley Friday, got to ride with Aaron and Ted Friday night at lab, hung with Mayo on Tuesday, nice relaxing weekend, saw Gran Torino which was hysterical and got into a super intense conversation last night which had me up til this morning and really made me think...
Some topics that I felt very passionate about less than a year ago, I'm very unsure of now. And the one thing that's been circulating often in my brain has been a woman's rights to do what she wishes with her body. If a girl gets pregnant, what gives her the right to abort a child if the contributing man to that what would be child is completely against it? Or vice verse. For my ENTIRE life I've been pro-choice, and I still very much so am, but I'm just not so sure anymore how much power I feel I have. What rights do the to be fathers have? Don't they have a say? It's been boggling my mind that a man can be forced into paying child support for a child he was not for having. A man can be forced into a decision regardless of whether he supports it or not whereas a woman cannot. Nobody can FORCE a woman to have a child nor can someone FORCE a woman to abort a child. So, what is to say a man can be FORCED into either of these? It's strange that I would argue this point of view since I am clearly not a man... but it's been blowing my mind. It is such a tough topic to be so cut and dry on, which obviously is why it is such a highly debated topic.
A feminist will say that a man should be obligated to pay child support regardless of whether he is for having this child because he needs to 'be a man' and accept responsibility for his actions. While, I do believe a man needs to accept responsibility for his actions... women should be held to the same standards, no? If both men and women should be help responsible for their actions, then what makes it right for a woman to abort a child? Excluding the fraction of pregnancies that result in the failure of a form of birth control, if a pregnancy results in a complete neglect to protect oneself from this occurrence, then why is it so widely accepted to NOT accept responsibility and just remove this potential life? And the fact that it is so common should not make something more acceptable and I strongly feel that is a factor in its widespread popularity.
Again, I must remind anyone reading this, and myself, that I am indeed pro-choice.
Another aspect that gets under my skin is that my mother could have easily aborted me and then I would not have the privileged of experiencing life. Imagine if everyone made the decision to abort their child... none of us would be here. You have a growing being inside of you. I'm aware that it is not murder to have an abortion, but part of me is so uncomfortable with the whole idea. What is inside of you, whether you want to call it a child or not, will eventually grow into a tiny person. A tiny fucking PERSON. And by having an abortion you are denying that TINY PERSON life. Bah, it kills me.
I am so torn on how I truly feel. Sometimes, I agree with abortion. Sometimes, I don't. I just typed out that I no longer can agree with abortions for selfish reasons. If you were careless and slept with someone unprotected, accept responsibility for your moronic choice. But, at the same time, it is almost just as self sh to have a child if you are not ready to be a parent and will not opt for adoption. Growing up in a broken home is not fair to anyone either. And I can't honestly say that I've NEVER been guilty of having unprotected sex. I'm not too sure I know a single person that has not had sex at least once unprotected. And I'd always expect to have the right to decide the outcome of my body god forbid anything were to happen to me. But, I am just so conflicted.
Man. It's so late, almost 3am, and I have a doctors appointment at 8am.
I believe that the option of abortion is absolutely necessary. I just wish that there weren't so many careless pregnancies that end with abortion.
God, I sound like a right wing jesus lover in this post. That is so far from what I am. I'm going to look at this tomorrow and rip it apart with my left wing, liberal views. I only wrote specifically about these reasons because they are the reasons contributing to my conflict on how pro-choice I am.
I probably shouldn't post this because I didn't fully argue my case and I got too tired halfway through to finish the argument going on inside of me about this... but whatever. Deal with it.
Some topics that I felt very passionate about less than a year ago, I'm very unsure of now. And the one thing that's been circulating often in my brain has been a woman's rights to do what she wishes with her body. If a girl gets pregnant, what gives her the right to abort a child if the contributing man to that what would be child is completely against it? Or vice verse. For my ENTIRE life I've been pro-choice, and I still very much so am, but I'm just not so sure anymore how much power I feel I have. What rights do the to be fathers have? Don't they have a say? It's been boggling my mind that a man can be forced into paying child support for a child he was not for having. A man can be forced into a decision regardless of whether he supports it or not whereas a woman cannot. Nobody can FORCE a woman to have a child nor can someone FORCE a woman to abort a child. So, what is to say a man can be FORCED into either of these? It's strange that I would argue this point of view since I am clearly not a man... but it's been blowing my mind. It is such a tough topic to be so cut and dry on, which obviously is why it is such a highly debated topic.
A feminist will say that a man should be obligated to pay child support regardless of whether he is for having this child because he needs to 'be a man' and accept responsibility for his actions. While, I do believe a man needs to accept responsibility for his actions... women should be held to the same standards, no? If both men and women should be help responsible for their actions, then what makes it right for a woman to abort a child? Excluding the fraction of pregnancies that result in the failure of a form of birth control, if a pregnancy results in a complete neglect to protect oneself from this occurrence, then why is it so widely accepted to NOT accept responsibility and just remove this potential life? And the fact that it is so common should not make something more acceptable and I strongly feel that is a factor in its widespread popularity.
Again, I must remind anyone reading this, and myself, that I am indeed pro-choice.
Another aspect that gets under my skin is that my mother could have easily aborted me and then I would not have the privileged of experiencing life. Imagine if everyone made the decision to abort their child... none of us would be here. You have a growing being inside of you. I'm aware that it is not murder to have an abortion, but part of me is so uncomfortable with the whole idea. What is inside of you, whether you want to call it a child or not, will eventually grow into a tiny person. A tiny fucking PERSON. And by having an abortion you are denying that TINY PERSON life. Bah, it kills me.
I am so torn on how I truly feel. Sometimes, I agree with abortion. Sometimes, I don't. I just typed out that I no longer can agree with abortions for selfish reasons. If you were careless and slept with someone unprotected, accept responsibility for your moronic choice. But, at the same time, it is almost just as self sh to have a child if you are not ready to be a parent and will not opt for adoption. Growing up in a broken home is not fair to anyone either. And I can't honestly say that I've NEVER been guilty of having unprotected sex. I'm not too sure I know a single person that has not had sex at least once unprotected. And I'd always expect to have the right to decide the outcome of my body god forbid anything were to happen to me. But, I am just so conflicted.
Man. It's so late, almost 3am, and I have a doctors appointment at 8am.
I believe that the option of abortion is absolutely necessary. I just wish that there weren't so many careless pregnancies that end with abortion.
God, I sound like a right wing jesus lover in this post. That is so far from what I am. I'm going to look at this tomorrow and rip it apart with my left wing, liberal views. I only wrote specifically about these reasons because they are the reasons contributing to my conflict on how pro-choice I am.
I probably shouldn't post this because I didn't fully argue my case and I got too tired halfway through to finish the argument going on inside of me about this... but whatever. Deal with it.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I wish that in a lifetime, you were given three passes to change something in your past. If that were possible, I think I would use one of my cards. It's been a really rough past two months but I just kept going, knowing that time seems to help with things you cannot change. And now that I know I hurt someone through a choice I made makes me so frustrated. Having to see them kills me because I'm only reminded of what happened back in November. I was back and forth yesterday about going to the show because I knew exactly how I'd feel but I decided to suck it up and go... and for the rest of the night I kept wishing I could go back and not be so damn stubborn and not think I can just handle things on my own.
On a lighter note, I am looking forward to my phl 442, Social Philosophy, class. There's 8 people in my class including my professor who is absolutely insane in the best way possible. She opened the class with an introduction about herself which consisted of these facts: she left her super conservative family in her teens to join an anarchist group, she had an abortion before it was legal when she was a teenager, she used to write and review for an anarchy magazine, she spoke on behalf of pro-choice before Roe v. Wade was decided, she went to school for about 15 years on and off while working with multiple activist groups, she hates the American education system, and she's out of her mind. Our activity on the first day was to write down any political and/or social concerns we have, domestic or international and also if we were an autocratic ruler, how would we rule, what kind of laws would be enforce. We talked about that for the entire class. So stoked on this class. I think it's going to be a challenge. It's really going to push me to learn a lot, especially because it's such a small group of students and the other 6 people in the class seem to be extremely intelligent.
So far the three classes I've attended seem like they are going to be interesting, and not easy. I have my Intro to Counseling, cps 310, class tomorrow which I'm curious to see what that is going to be like. I feel like that's the one course this semester that I REALLY truly need for the future.
I've been thinking a lot about school lately, undergrad school at least. Before I came up here a few days ago I was looking over my schedule, thinking about how many classes there are that I want to take. Then I got to thinking that I don't have many classes left that I NEED to take to graduate. I've got this semester, one this summer, and next semester... but there is just so much that I want to learn, so much that I think is important for me to learn. I'm going to leave school with a degree in psychology, and then get my masters and phd focusing on the counseling aspect of psychology. But, there is so much more that I want to know. I've taken a few courses in different areas for gen eds, but most I took when I was younger because I HAD TO. I don't remember a single thing from freshman year, or really sophmore year. I bounced around a lot between schools, didn't know exactly where I wanted to be or what was important to me. I went to class and passed because there was no other option. I did what I had to to get the grades, but everything was in one ear and out the other.
This past year I've noticed a significant difference in the way that I learn and how I view the importance of an education. I want to be a well rounded person. I want to take classes that I'm interested in. I don't want to be done with school and look back and think 'gee, I really wish I took this course... it probably would be have been really interesting'. I want to actually TAKE those courses. I found out the other day that my philosophy class may not count towards anything in my degree but I don't even care, I'm still going to take it because I know it's going to challenge me and I'm motivated to do really well and learn all that I can from the course work and also from the professor. I really do think I'm going to just fill the gaps in the next three semesters with courses I'm interested in, even if they won't count towards anything. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to learn everything possibly during my undergraduate degree and not wish I did something different.
Some people will probably think I'm insane for feeling this way, or maybe not insane, but just not understand what I think I'm going to do. I guess to most people it's get in, get your degree, get out. And also, school is expensive so it's important to get your head straight, get good grades in the courses you need to take, get your degree and be done with little to no loans. But, I'm fortunate in the sense that I don't have huge school bills like most people do. I'm also very unfortunate because it took me an extremely long time to get my head straight and get focused.
There's so much I want to do but I feel like there is just no time to do anything because I'm so overwhelmed with the plan that was made for me that I didn't take part in making. That goes for everyone. It's go to high school, go to college, graduate in 4-5 years, either get a job right away or get your masters then get a job, get married, have kids, and then help them do that. It's just not what I want. I've been going with the flow and it's not gotten me very far. I'm 21 and I've got the world ahead of me and I want to take as much advantage as I possibly can. Most of my friends are graduating at the end of this semester and that's cool with me. I've got plenty of time and am in no rush what so ever.
Friday, January 16, 2009
for real?
I'm glad I decided the other night that I wasn't going to go back up to Oswego this afternoon and I was just going to go back up midweek next week. If I didn't make that decision on my own, it wouldn't have mattered anyway because someone else made it for me. I went to the doctor today. Fuck my life, right... it's just my luck that I'm that 1 out of 100,000,000,000,000 person. I need to go see another kind of doctor now whose office was closed when my doctor tried calling to get me in TODAY. So, Monday I need to call myself and make an appointment before Wednesday. I also need to go get blood work done. She asked me to do it today so she could have the results by Monday... but I really just want to fucking cry.
How's that for attention?
How's that for attention?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Happy New Year
Old habits die hard I suppose. It may be a new year, but I've learned that there are some skeletons that are just not ready to leave my closet. My brother has agreed to lend me the $1,700, fortunately.
It's been a long night...
It's been a long night...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Brooklyn / Manhattan was seriously, the best time I've had in a while. No one cares what I did so I'm not going to write about that.
What I am going to say though... hanging with total Manhattan hipsters and that made coach from MTV and that band Semi Precious Weapons and his 'crew' in some fancy upscale club called Cain where a bottle of Vodka that I can buy for $50 max in a liquor store was $500 or more and other bottles were priced at $40,000 and higher, truly makes me appreciate my true friends that are my friend because of who I am underneath makeup and clothing and stereotypes that come along with that. Last night after making my way back to Brooklyn from Manhattan to find myself crashing on my friends couch, I laid awake after everyone had fallen asleep thinking about my friends, even some from up at school, and my family and hometown, and I just could not wait to get on that train today and see their faces.
I am so fortunate to not be blindsided by appearances and clothing and makeup and having the 'right friends'. I would be friends with my friends regardless of whether they had the newest Channel clutch that costs more than my car or they shopped at second hand stores and dressed to the equivalence of a bum everyday.
Last night, Steve Baby was saying how tough it is to attract crowds to hardcore shows in Brooklyn and Christina commented saying that Brooklyn kids feel like they're 'too good' for shows like that. It makes me sick the people think they are too good for something. I'm sure I have been guilty of this before, but at least I recognize if I'm being a pretentious ass. Everybody is the same, nobody is better than someone else. I'd be a moron if I thought the world would ever work that way, but it's a true statement.
Everyone kissed that dude Justin's ass last night and it aggravated me. I'm guilty of leaning to Christina and saying "That's the guy that was on Made last month" when he first sat next to us and being glad that I got to hang out with him because he was a funny, RIDICULOUS, dude... but that was that. I would have been just as satisfied hanging with somebody who nobody at the club knew or noticed, who was equally funny and witty.
My cousin has been dating Jackie O's (Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) stepdaughter for the last two years and my cousin finally told the family exactly who she was just before Christmas and the buzz in my family is just intense over the topic. I don't get it. I think it's neat because Jackie O is a fashion icon, but who cares about the money and the fame and blah blah. SHE IS HUMAN AND HER MONEY AND FAME MAKES HER NO MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING OR BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I suppose the fact that I thought it was important enough to blog about makes me guilty in some far fetched sense.
Who knows, who cares. Either way... last night was a good time.
What I am going to say though... hanging with total Manhattan hipsters and that made coach from MTV and that band Semi Precious Weapons and his 'crew' in some fancy upscale club called Cain where a bottle of Vodka that I can buy for $50 max in a liquor store was $500 or more and other bottles were priced at $40,000 and higher, truly makes me appreciate my true friends that are my friend because of who I am underneath makeup and clothing and stereotypes that come along with that. Last night after making my way back to Brooklyn from Manhattan to find myself crashing on my friends couch, I laid awake after everyone had fallen asleep thinking about my friends, even some from up at school, and my family and hometown, and I just could not wait to get on that train today and see their faces.
I am so fortunate to not be blindsided by appearances and clothing and makeup and having the 'right friends'. I would be friends with my friends regardless of whether they had the newest Channel clutch that costs more than my car or they shopped at second hand stores and dressed to the equivalence of a bum everyday.
Last night, Steve Baby was saying how tough it is to attract crowds to hardcore shows in Brooklyn and Christina commented saying that Brooklyn kids feel like they're 'too good' for shows like that. It makes me sick the people think they are too good for something. I'm sure I have been guilty of this before, but at least I recognize if I'm being a pretentious ass. Everybody is the same, nobody is better than someone else. I'd be a moron if I thought the world would ever work that way, but it's a true statement.
Everyone kissed that dude Justin's ass last night and it aggravated me. I'm guilty of leaning to Christina and saying "That's the guy that was on Made last month" when he first sat next to us and being glad that I got to hang out with him because he was a funny, RIDICULOUS, dude... but that was that. I would have been just as satisfied hanging with somebody who nobody at the club knew or noticed, who was equally funny and witty.
My cousin has been dating Jackie O's (Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) stepdaughter for the last two years and my cousin finally told the family exactly who she was just before Christmas and the buzz in my family is just intense over the topic. I don't get it. I think it's neat because Jackie O is a fashion icon, but who cares about the money and the fame and blah blah. SHE IS HUMAN AND HER MONEY AND FAME MAKES HER NO MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING OR BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I suppose the fact that I thought it was important enough to blog about makes me guilty in some far fetched sense.
Who knows, who cares. Either way... last night was a good time.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Tomorrow I'm going to Brooklyn to hang with Steve Baby, should be fun. After I see Steve Baby, Christina and I are going to a club in Manhattan where her friend is the photographer. Then I'm crashing in Brooklyn for the night.
I was the crabbiest person last night, I hate when I take my feelings out of people who don't deserve it. But then again, I don't really understand how you can NOT 'take it out on others around you'. If something ridiculous is going on in your life and it's mind fucking you and driving you up a wall, how are you supposed to act like it's not? Just because you're with someone that has nothing to do with it, you're supposed to just pretend to be in an okay mood, and what... talk about something else? Maybe I'm a crummy person, but if something bad is on my mind, I show it. I'm not very good at pretending to not be annoyed with something. It's selfish and shitty of me, but when I'm in a mood, you're best bet is to just NOT be around me if you can't deal with a pissed off person. And if you can take someone being a bitch, then please just give me a hug and just don't say anything. Or fart, that usually makes me laugh regardless...
Regardless of how impossible I think it is to not be a douchebag to those in your presence when you're in the midst of a shitty event, I do feel awful when I'm a bitch to people. And I appreciate those that have the courage to flat out say I'm being a bitch and to cool it. Jason straight up said "you're being a bitch and i don't deserve it" and went home. As annoyed as it made me, I applaud him.
Doctors next Friday afternoon to give me the okay to leave town. And if all goes well, I'll be on the road at 4pm. I sure hope everything is okay.
I was the crabbiest person last night, I hate when I take my feelings out of people who don't deserve it. But then again, I don't really understand how you can NOT 'take it out on others around you'. If something ridiculous is going on in your life and it's mind fucking you and driving you up a wall, how are you supposed to act like it's not? Just because you're with someone that has nothing to do with it, you're supposed to just pretend to be in an okay mood, and what... talk about something else? Maybe I'm a crummy person, but if something bad is on my mind, I show it. I'm not very good at pretending to not be annoyed with something. It's selfish and shitty of me, but when I'm in a mood, you're best bet is to just NOT be around me if you can't deal with a pissed off person. And if you can take someone being a bitch, then please just give me a hug and just don't say anything. Or fart, that usually makes me laugh regardless...
Regardless of how impossible I think it is to not be a douchebag to those in your presence when you're in the midst of a shitty event, I do feel awful when I'm a bitch to people. And I appreciate those that have the courage to flat out say I'm being a bitch and to cool it. Jason straight up said "you're being a bitch and i don't deserve it" and went home. As annoyed as it made me, I applaud him.
Doctors next Friday afternoon to give me the okay to leave town. And if all goes well, I'll be on the road at 4pm. I sure hope everything is okay.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Chasing dragons in our dreams...
So, I went to the doctor the other day. Looks like I'll be spending another two weeks in Rockland because things aren't looking too good and I need to wait two weeks to see if things turn around and I have a doctors appointment the week after next. Honestly, doctor crap aside, I'm not all that bummed about having to stay here. It has been such a pleasant break from Oswego and that. Though, Shannon keeps getting in touch with me and I want to see her. She asked me to come over tonight, her and her housemate I suppose were having people over, bummer.
My living arrangements are falling into place for June. I just need to sign a lease, and things are signed, sealed, stamped. I'll be living in Syracuse, commuting in a pair of two to class two or three times a week in Oswego. I'll be working in Syracuse and it will be the best year of my life thus far, I am sure of it. Getting a puppy over the summer is also part of the plan. This was something that was not expected, but it just feels natural. It feels right and I am thrilled about it. I have a good feeling.
The city the other day was so nice as well. After I got out of the doctors around noon, My mom and I took the train from Tarrytown to Grand Central then walked all over and it was so great. We went to FAO Schwarz and it was like being a kid all over again. There were sections of the store devoted to Harry Potter and it was just GREAT. My mom couldn't stop laughing at me because I was all over, freaking out going "MOM LOOK!!!" everytime I saw a new Harry Potter item. They had massive lego figures from Harry Potter. Harry was MY SIZE! God, it was great. So stoked on the next movie coming out soon. We went up to Blades up on 72nd street, walked all the way from Grand Central, and they didn't even have what I wanted. But, it was a great walk. We did central park and everything. It got cold once it hit 7pm, so we hopped a subway to head back down to Time Square. There were mobs of people already for New Years and it was the night before. It was crazy. We ate at this great irish pub I love and I had my first beer with my mom as a citizen of legal drinking age. We got to see the tree all lit up, it was so gorgeous, but there were just SO many people.
When we went to St. Catherine's, she flicked holy water at me and I screamed "WHAT THE HELL!" in the middle of church and a family walking behind us started cracking up. I was so pissed. The whole visit there I was ranting about how CRAZY religion was and that this church was so amazing because of all the ASSHOLES that give the Christian religion money. Morons. Fuck religion. It was funny none-the-less. My mom and I are still laughing about it. When we were more uptown, we came across this bum begging for cigarettes but no one would give him one and just as we passed him he was like "PLEASE, SOMEONE JUST GIVE ME A DAMN CIGARETTE! YOU KNOW... YOU ALL SUCK!!!" So, I convinced my mother to give him one, and he starts screaming "THANK YOU SOOO MUCH" as we walked the next two blocks passed him. Great story. We sat outside central park and talked for a while and people watched. It was so great.
New Years Eve was rough. Jay, Christina, Tyler, Frank, and his girlfriend went to Frank's sisters house (which was unbelievably, 6 floors, 7 bathrooms, a million bedrooms, GORGEOUS) for a little party. Little did we know, it was more of a 'dinner party' for 25 or older type people. A crazy weird black dude was hitting on me as Jay was at my side, that was a riot. I thought maybe I was crazy for getting the vibe that he wanted my box, but after we left Jay said something like "So, how about that black dude that totally wanted you all night" It was great, so classic. Tyler, myself, Christina, and Jay hung out on the 5th floor watching Elf and stuff for a good majority of the night. Frank and his girlfriend came up as well for a bit. Frank's girlfriend and I started trading stories about Frank and Jay, that was just HYSTERICAL and we so embarassed them. I shouted "SO, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO JAY YEARSSSSSSS AGO, AND THAT VERY FIRST TIME, HE WAS SO NERVOUS HE WORE HIS HAT THE WHOLE TIME" and I felt terrible after I said it because Jay's face just started glowing red and his entire face just dropped! It was funny though. It was a good night though. I spent it with good people. And, for the first time since Jason and I started dating when I was 13, Tyler and I GOT ALONG and I wasn't a complete cunt to him. My grandma was right, I'm becoming a softy in my old age!
I'm sleeping home, and solo, with Ninja tonight, he's so thrilled. Tomorrow I get to buy new bindings, return those boots to Urban Outfitters, bathe my doggies, and then probably chill out all night again. These next two weeks are going to be relaxing. Now that I know I'm staying home for a while longer, I actually unpacked and put my clothing away and did laundry and cleaned my room up. It's strange to think this will more than likely be my last time home. After my move in June, that's pretty much it. The only thing that brings me back to Rockland time after time, will no longer be here. After I'm done with school next year, it's most likely the BIG move to the city and I'll be in whatever apartment I move to for minimum of 4 years for my ma/phd. So intense to think that 2009 will be my LAST full year of my undergraduate degree, last year upstate, last half year of living without a male. Eeep. Fuck.
Oh yeah, tonight, I bought the Bouncing Souls 12 new songs and the 4 bonuses. I downloaded "Gasoline" tonight, and I'll be able to download another new song every 1st of the month and at the end of year, I'll get the 4 bonuses. It was $12, I figured.. why not? I'm sharing them with anyone who wants them... just let me know.
Okay, I want to read more of that book and hit the sack. Every time I got to sleep, I'm so excited to wake up and enjoy the next day. Every day just seems so great lately. This book has been digging up so much that has been way down for a long time. All things that NEED to come up and be talked about before June. Shits got to be laid out on the table.
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