All that is solid melts into air...

I bought three new books today during my trip to Barnes and Noble:
1. How Soon is Never? by Marc Spitz
2. Stolen Innocence by Erin Merryn
3. Stuck by Anneli Rufus

I'm very excited for all three. I went with intentions of buying A book to read over the next week til I got back up to school where the rest of my unread books are, but that clearly didn't happen. I started the search by finding books that I could relate to, that would in a way force me to face my life, especially the aspects that I tend to avoid. Stolen Innocence is going to get me good, I know it. Stuck is a book I think most people can relate to and I think I'm going to enjoy reading it. How Soon is Never was just a book I couldn't for some reason put back on the shelf, something really made me want to read it. Now, reading up on it online, I see that quite a few people that were into High Fidelity are into this book. And being that High Fidelity is by far my favorite book/movie... it makes sense. Should be a good read as well. I'm going to start with Stolen Innocence tonight I think.

Also, big things are in the making. BIG things. So intense. I'm so skeptical and cautious... and nervous. I need to really think about this over the next few weeks. This would be a big step, it would change everything. It would truly be the beginning of a new life... a life that I've had one foot in, one foot out of for nearly a decade and have been too afraid to make the plunge. Man on man.

Back to Oswego early/mid next week. Jobs and apartments are on the agenda.

Live For a Living

It's been one crazy week since I've been home. Nothing real crazy happened, but I've kept myself busy to the point of not being on my computer longer than 20 minutes. And those 20 minutes were spent wisely... you know, myspace, facebook, syracuse board.

I didn't plan to come home until this past Tuesday evening, but I woke up Monday feeling spontaneous, and rather annoyed, so I threw my shit in my car and hit the road. I'm extremely glad I decided to do that instead of sticking around. It's been a great past week, catching up with people, spending time with my family and Jason. Home seems so great after I've been gone for a full year. This is the longest I've been home since before I went back to Oswego Fall '07.

I loved the gifts I got everyone this year. For my father, who I don't think I've sent a gift to since I was about 10, I included 5 OLD photos of him with us kids and it said "Family Ties" across the top. I know he loved it, he left my a voicemail saying so. For my mother, I got two quotes framed, "It's Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After" and "Success Means Always Believing You Can", because she's been having a real rough time these past 6 months and I also got her a REALLY nice frame that says "Memories..." and I put a bunch of photos from all the different trips we've taken to all different countries over the years. She loved it, she cried. For both Matt and Mike I found super old photos from when we were kids, each of me with the other individual, and I put them in frames that said "The best things in life aren't things..." and "The best place to be is home...". I even made my grandma one with pictures of her and us three kids on different holidays and vacations we took as kids with her and it said "Grandkids" across the bottom. I gave it to her last night at the family christmas party and she absolutely loved it. I'm glad I decided to go with my photo idea instead of regular gifts because I think it meant a lot more than a nice sweater, or snowboarding passes and stuff like that. I'm really happy about this Christmas.

Also, big news about work. I originally planned to go back to Oswego today, but I pushed it back because I have a doctors appointment Tuesday, and then I pushed it back because I wanted to be in town for New Years Eve instead of spending it alone in Oswego... but tonight, Brian texted me and I told him to put me on the schedule for Friday on and his response was just strange to me, so I called him. And after we talked about work, and us, and personal stuff and work crap... I decided, or really WE decided, that I can no longer work for him. It's just gotten to the point where I can step back and realize, in a completely mature and civil way, that it's just not what's for the best. I messed my summer courses up because I kept taking off and doing other stuff instead of going to class, and I messed the fall semester up over drama that I shouldn't have been involved in. And I absolutely refuse to let work or my friendship with him interfere with why I'm in Oswego in the first place. I have goals set, I want to get OUT of Oswego as soon as possible. And I want to leave Oswego a better, healthier, happier person than I entered Oswego back in 2005 and I truly do not see that happening with him in my life.

Though, this leaves me jobless. Steve Baby and I were texting earlier tonight and I believe I am going to apply at Hollister ::throws up:: and just work there. He said he'd like it if I worked there, I wouldn't mind rejoining the Hollister team either and Steve's good company to have around... but it's shit pay and quite a hike to go to work. Although, perhaps it'll be worth it. I mean, a 40 minute drive and a pay cut is worth it to no longer be depending on Xtreme Underground. Should be interesting to work somewhere where I don't fit in anymore. But then again, when did I ever fit into Xtreme Underground? I want to make Christina hire me back at Rockstar and let me rock the fuck out of the jewelry there for the next three weeks and then I can just stay home until PBC and Forfeit the 24th.

It kills me that Brian isn't being mature about this. You'd think that since it was kind of a mutual agreement, he'd have taken it better. His ego is bruised I think because I don't want to work for him or be his friend, and I think he gets that I mean it this time. I would have killed him, or someone else, if I stayed working there. It was for the best. I'm tired of being responsible for STUPID things that don't mean anything. All I should be responsible for is getting my degree and working a typical job and being a normal employee.

I need to start looking at masters programs and phd programs next semester so I can start narrowing schools down to apply to in the fall. Kind of scary. Me, a college graduate... going on to get my MA and PhD.

Dr. Boney. I just love that sound of that.

Funny story. I had breakfast the other morning with Jay and his mom and his sister came as we were finishing up and after I left, she told Jay that she just remembered that she was my camp counselor when I was like, 12. She said that I look exactly the same, except almost 10 years older, and that she'd never forget a last name like Boney. Well, duh. You'd think she would have realized that some time during the 6 years Jay and I dated, or the almost 2 years since we dated.... regardless, funny.

I'm not sure when I'm going back to Oswego now. I'm no doubt finishing out the week here. Shannon and I had plans to board on New Years Eve, but I broke the news to her the other day that I wouldn't be back for that. And I want to go riding with Ted bad as well. I should probably work on getting a job set up before the semester starts as well. I suppose next week will be a good week to head back up.

I really needed this past week though. It grounded me. It was a nice wake up call after a fairly rough year. Coming home, being with the people I've been with for my entire life... really reminds me exactly who I am. I am so far from what some think of me up at school. I am a fucking loser. I'm shy, I'm nervous, I have a huge fucking heart, and I just love my family and my friends. I miss being able to just be ME and not being afraid of that. This was just what I needed...

Tuesday my mom and I are taking the train into the city to see the tree and just hang. I feel like both her and I need that. A nice relaxing day hanging out, out of Rockland, just the two of us. I truly could not think of a better way to end this year. For both her and I, it's not been the easiest year. We both went through a lot, different things, but equally as painful. I truly do believe that 2009 will be a brand new life for her and for myself. We both learned a lot about ourselves. We both were alone for the first time for me and in a long time for her. I've grown up and realized a lot about myself and I think she has realized quite a few things about herself. I am truly proud that she is my mother and that I am her daughter. I am going to really stick by her for this next year, I want to make sure that she gets what she deserves.... and she deserves the world.

I want this next year of my life to be about growing as an individual, making that transition into adulthood, getting to truly know my family as more than just my family, getting to know my true friends, and letting myself truly just live. I found myself involved earlier today in a conversation about life and living, and why we all live and what everyone strives for. It's sad that when people are asked what they do for a living, they simply state what their job or career is. Everyone identifies their self-worth with their JOB and the MONEY they make. Why can't people just LIVE their lives FOR A LIVING.

Just fucking LIVE. Just be happy with what you have. Money comes and goes, jobs change all too often, boyfriends and girlfriends change all the time. Everything is constantly changing and all you can do is just live. I myself am guilty of getting down on life because I don't have money to do this or that, or buy that, or because my current love-interest isn't living up to all that I hoped for, or because I didn't get the grade I anticipated, or my job sucks bla bla. But, in the end... what does any of that truly matter? I have a great family. I have some great friends that have stuck with me all my life. I've lived a VERY fortunate life. I should be thankful for everything positive that I have an not worry about all the negatives because eventually, negatives turn into positives and vice-versa and that's just life.

All I can do is stay positive and just live my life. I've preached that "live your life" quote for YEARS now but I really need to start believing it and embracing it. I just want to fucking live. I have so much going for me and so much potential and opportunity, and I am more fortunate than many and I should feel blessed for what I have and accept what I don't. I'm done focusing on what I don't have, what's missing in my life. If I keep living like that, I'm going to forget all that I do have and I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward to. I'm 21 fucking years old. My life is now only truly beginning. I have a LIFETIME ahead of me...

This year, I am going to start living.

It feels great to be home. I'm not sure when I'm going back up to Oswego. I feel like it won't be for a little while... maybe. Who needs a job. The only thing making me want to go back up is snowboarding.

Anywho... Merry Christmas to all. Hope Santa was kind to everyone. I got new vans slips ons, a new pair on converse, some cardigans, and a giant stuffed animal which was the best gift I got this year. I'm content.

And the gifts I got everyone went over really well. Everyone loved the photos I used and the frames were killer. Complete success on meaningful gifts in lieu of expensive gifts that people usually give.

=)

Take your time, try not to forget...

All I really want is to be laying comfortably with someone, in a nonsexual way. I just want to feel someone next to me.

I wish I could drive home tomorrow.

I'm tired of the same thing everyday. I need to start doing something new.

Sunday, November 23, 2008.

This is the day that life as I knew it, ended. And not in the romantic, optimistic way that this line was said in PS I Love You.

It's been nearly a month. Today is the 21st of December. In two days, an entire month has passed. I feel like it was just yesterday. I can almost still taste the salt of my tears running down my cheeks across my lips. I can almost still feel the knot in my stomach twisting.

God, I've never felt so lost as I did sitting there that day. I knew right then and there, that everything was going to change. That nothing... that I, would never be able to be the same person I was before. Careless and full of hope. In that very moment, every problem I'd ever faced in my excuse of a life seemed minuscule, completely obsolete.

A day has not yet passed that I haven't thought about that Sunday afternoon. The longest I've gone without crying has been about three days. It's been about two as of right now. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I'm haunted by this memory.

I keep telling myself that I'm fine, that it wasn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. I feel as though I'm telling myself this, forcing myself to move forward with my life because I feel that is what I am supposed to do. I feel that if someone knew what had happened, they'd expect that I'd be okay by now. And as for the very small amount of people that do actually know what happened, their lives have simply continued, just kept moving. It was really just a minor bump in the road that you forget about less than a mile down that road. Except me. I cannot even begin to fathom the idea of FORGETTING this.

What does being okay even mean? I've spent most of my youth trying to acquire some form of an answer to that question. Are you okay, he inquires. First, please define okay, I swiftly reply.

I never expected anybody's world to stop for me. But, I also didn't expect mine to.

Everytime I think about this, contemplate putting my feelings into words... I feel as though it's not worth it. I almost feel quilty for being so damaged over this. These things are simply no big deal. To some.

The worst part about the way that I feel is that I feel absolutely worthless. I just feel EMPTY. I feel as though I've lost a piece of me that I will never be able to get back. I've removed myself from everybody so much. I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, pushing my food around on my plate, and when I looked up at my happy family, I felt nothing. I heard every word they said, felt the vibrations of every laugh, felt the touch of love, saw the joy of family, and the only word I can put forth to describe my reaction to this, is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How do you fix something like this? How is it possible to make something like this better?

One day, I want to wake up and have this not be within the limits of my first ten thoughts of the day. I want to go to sleep without thinking about this. I want to be able to live my life again.

Second to how absolutely lost and confused I've spent this past month... the fact that the one person that should have been there, wasn't, is the worst feeling possible.

Worthless and cheap are two words that consume my brain.

I'm gonna trade in my old ways for a new shot at life...

It's finally over. That picture of me was from 9am this morning, after not sleeping for over 24 hours trying to do massive amounts of research, write a paper that ended up being eleven pages, and cramming for a final all in one night. I'm still in those exact clothes and it's 11pm now. I am so beyond exhausted. I never went to sleep last night, took a final at 10 this morning, came straight home and worked on my paper for another three hours until I finally finished and submitted it at 2:30.... spent 45 minutes shoveling my driveway and uncovering my car from the eight feet of snow on top of it. Then I worked until 9:30 tonight. Fucking shoot me.

I didn't do jack shit at work though. Paid store bills, did Brian's bills, did some of the register crap that I haven't been doing lately... kinda hung out, but it still sucked standing around for hours. Mayo texted me just as I got to work this afternoon and I spent a fair majority of my shift just texting him which made time fly. We got a bunch of snow and my car got stuck about 400 times tonight. I hate my car. I hate Trooper for biting a hole in my boot. BUT, I did love tanning after work tonight. Shit always makes me feel better. So superficial, so wonderful.

I had to fire a girl yesterday. Part of me felt bad, part of me loved it. It's been a while since I had the authority to fire someone. Girl was just ridiculous. I wanted to stab her over and over this past week and it finally got to the point where enough is just enough. I hope she comes in to get her paycheck for the whopping 3 hours at $7.15/hr while I'm there. Dumb girl. Hey, my paycheck for this pay week is going to be a few dollars shy of $300. I'll be happy to get that.

Best thing that's happened today was definitely coming home after tanning around 11 and opening my email to find an email from my professor informing me that I got an 85 on the final I took this morning. That combined with the 80 I got on my exam last Friday, is just amazing. I was stressing about failing this class, was crossing my fingers, praying for a D. I just wanted to PASS. It was the last gen ed I needed. And, I fucking passed. So, I've got about 30 credits left of pure psych classes til I graduate. But, I'm more than likely going to spread those 30 credits out to three semesters and fill in the blanks with actual classes I'm interested in. That means I'll graduate exactly one year late, at 22, in May 2010. Not bad, I suppose. This paragraph really doesn't represent how enthused I am about passing environmental chemistry.

And... Jaime left today for home. I've got the house to myself until end of January. After I get back from Christmas, I am going to clean this house top to bottom so that it's bearable to live in again. Fuck Jaime for being such a god damn pig. It's going to be fairly lonely living alone for the whole break I think. Well, I did it for most of the summer, up until the very end and that wasn't bad. I'm mainly excited because I can walk around naked again. I miss that. I guess that's not really something I should share, but whatever. Pumped.

Tomorrow is Rob's show in Oswego. I'm excited for that, should be a good time. I'm working tomorrow morning, and Sunday open-close. Then I leave Monday morning asap and I'm in Rockland for about a week, depending on how long I feel like being there. I'm not setting any plans in stone, leaving room for error... playing it by ear.

I didn't sell my books back this semester, or last semester. I wish I did. That'd easily grant me $300. Eh, oh well. I'll sell them back at the beginning of next semester.

Okay, it's time for me to put clean sheets that I just washed last night back on my bed and snuggle up with my little man and pass the FUCK out. Hope everyone is staying warm tonight.

I want to save this for later so I'm going to store it here:

All that is solid melts into air,
All that is holy is profaned,
And man is at last compelled to face
with sober senses, his real conditions
of life, and his relations with his kind.
~ Karl Marx

[EDIT]: 12:56am 12/19
This twelve page political science paper is straight up, kicking me in the ass. Karl Marx on communism, John Locke on individual importance, and then connecting political authority to political power and comparing theorists I've read to current political conditions. I wish I started this paper last Thursday night when it was originally assigned. If I had a full week to write this paper, I would have LOVED doing the research and writing it. But, since I pretty much really started tonight at 6pm, I'm extremely rushed, stressed, and tired. Therefore, not only do I hate myself for procrastinating so much this week, but I hate this topic and I'm sure the paper will be terrible. But, terrible to me is usually really good for most. I'd settle for a B+ on this paper writing it this late in the game.

And too add to this, my face is burnt still and I have the driest mouth possible for some reason. Add that to the lack of motivation I have to walk to my kitchen. Yeah. I'd rather shoot myself in the each foot than be awake now doing what I'm doing.

I feel at ease with my lows, and I'll take it...

I'm so disappointed in myself today/tonight. I took off work today because I had no finals and planned to spend my ENTIRE day writing that 12 page political science final that was assigned this past Thursday, due Friday. Guess what I did today? I slept til 11, read Rob's lyrics, sat on the Syracuse board, bullshit via aim with Rob.... laid around, more message boards, showered, took some pictures... then FINALLY got around to library around 6pm.

And what did I do in the library? Nothing. I tried reading, got through one out of three readings. I tried writing, wrote about 2 pages. I WASTED my day completely. I was just getting into a groove with comprehending what I was reading and writing those whole pages... and these dumb fucking janitors walk over to the garbage can next to the study cubicle I'm sitting at and they stand there and talk about everything and anything ranging from the gifts they bought their kids for Christmas to what they're going to clean tonight once the library closes. I sat there nearly ripping my hair out, I was so annoyed. I kept slamming books around and sighing really loud, hoping they'd get the hint, and they didn't. I even caught the eye of one of them and gave them the nastiest look I could create, and nothing. At least I know fucking Johnny is going to be really happy on Christmas fucking morning.

I ended up leaving at 9, thinking I'd get more work done at home. And really, where did that get me? I wrote a paragraph, talked to Rob some more, made a veggie and cheese wrap, and then Mayo texted me and now I really just gave up on this paper tonight.

Tomorrow I work for 6 hours and then once I get out of work, I have 24 hours til this paper is due. And in those 24 hours, I need to study for my environmental science final and take said final at 10am on Friday. I'm such a fucking asshole. And instead of writing the paper right now, I'm talking to Mayo about devils and angels on my shoulder, don't ask, and writing in this stupid blog. And now it's nearly 1am.

God, as if I didn't already do poorly this semester because of everything that happened....

And to add to all of this, I'm beginning to realize I haven't signed a lease for a place to live come June 1st for my last year here. It's still early, but time flies and next thing I know, it'll be April and I'll still not be sure what I'm doing. I know I don't want to live in Oswego. I want to live in Syracuse and commute to Oswego two or three times a week for class. BUT, I know I can't afford to live alone or else I'd just do that here and stay away from the assholes here. Fuckin' A. Who needs a housemate next year that lives in Syracuse!? I'm neat, quiet when I need to be, and I'm very respectful. And I'm not a real girl, I don't leave gross shit around, or bring dudes home or have bitchy girlfriends over dishing about boy troubles, nor do I have real boy troubles. Fuck man.

On the flip side of feeling like complete shit about my accomplishments tonight, or the lack of accomplishments I should say, Mayo is making me laugh.

I could blow my brains out right now and be completely content, and dead, haha.

Housemate needed.

[EDIT]: It's now 3:11am and I stayed up all night talking to Mayo and Rob. I definitely could have written my paper by now, or at least a REALLY large portion of it. I'm an asshole for sure.

this too shall pass...

xrobsxedgex: because you're a girl
xrobsxedgex: that likes dudes
yourxsooxrad: No, I like weiners, get it straight.
yourxsooxrad: I don't like dudes.
yourxsooxrad: DUDES fucking suck.

If everybody only knew how true the fragment of this conversation truly is. I'm completely done trying to make anything work at all, with anyone. But, that means I'm just completely staying away from male companions one hundred percent, aside from just friendships of course.

I thought in this last situation, leaving names out of course, that I'd be able to separate friendship and whatever else was going on. I've never put myself in that position before, where I was hanging out with someone and it was a group consensus that no relationship was going to stem from it. We both laid that out on the table after that initial weekend. I was in absolutely no position to be involved because I wasn't nearly over a past relationship and he was in the exact same position. I guess we were just enjoying each others company. And I can only speak for myself, but I think when it started, I was using his company to fill the void of losing someone extremely important and crucial in my life. That's not to say I don't think he is an absolutely wonderful person, because I truly do and I loved spending time with him. But, having someone to text when I was happy or angry, or having someone text me when something crazy happened at work or call me during the election to tell me about the convention they were at... having someone to kiss and go out to have a drink with, or to sleep next to... it was just so, nice.

Somewhere along the way though, I let it get the best of me. I confused myself I think about what was going on. I'm not sure if true feelings for this person surfaced or if I got caught up in just having someone around. Regardless of which it was, I got down on myself, hard, for trying to block emotions and just hang around. I spent so many years trying to NOT feel things and putting myself in situations where it was SAFE because I knew it was going no where.

It's like I'm so afraid to truly be with someone that I keep finding situations where there's a big "dead end" sign at the beginning of the road. But, I'm HUMAN and I'm SENSITIVE so somehow, I'm always the one that ends up hurt, still. I know I deserve more than this past situation. And that person did NOTHING wrong, and I have nothing but complete respect and love for him, he's GREAT (like tony the tiger would say). I've just lost a small spec of respect for myself I suppose.

And I sit here and I say to myself that I'm voiding relationships from being a possibility in any near or distant future that I see... but I don't mean it. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship that will compare to my first relationship though. Six years is a long time to be with someone... I truly don't know if anyone could ever tolerate me for six years again.

I think now, all these "dead end" attempts, the whole two I've had since my relationship ended... I was really just looking for a friend and got caught up in the web because it's difficult for people of the opposite sex to be just friends, especially when there is an attraction between the two. Jason was my best friend. I met him when I was twelve, all of our friends were mutual, and we ended up dating down the line and I spent almost six years straight with him. He was there through the worst of my teen years, and he stood by me, held my hand, and helped me get better. Losing him as a constant in my life was possibly the most difficult things I've endured thus far. And since I lost him, I haven't found a friend like him. Losing him in my life in the romantic relationship sense wasn't nearly as difficult to deal with, it was the friendship aspect that still hurts and it's been quite some time now.

Fuck man. I really just need something CONSTANT in my life. Everything that I have in my life is constantly changing. This is the first time I've stayed at a school for longer than a year. My friends haven't stayed the same for as long as I can remember. Since I decided to go clean, I've kind of been bouncing around and I haven't planted myself firmly anywhere. It's almost like I identified myself through my drug abuse. That was my constant. It was something I always had, knew I could count on, knew would never go away for as long as I wanted it there. Cutting that out of my life is and will always be my proudest moment in my life. I just wish it wasn't taking so long to truly recover from what I did, what I saw, what I experienced. I've been clean for four years almost and I'm STILL looking for who I am without the baggage.

I'm on track in life. I've managed to stay away from drugs. I'm healthy to the point that I can be confronted with drugs and I have the strength to say no. I don't have any of the bad habits I had growing up. I'm almost done with my undergraduate degree in psychology, then it's on to my MA in general psychology and PhD in clinical psychology. I have a job, I have friends, I've mended my relationship with my family that I trashed because of my actions that resulted from my drug use, I now have a pet to create responsibility for myself. Everything on the outside is going real well, but I'm literally a shaken bottle of soda begging for someone to just twist my cap.

I just stepped away from this post for a few minutes and I've lost all desire to continue. It really took a strange turn. Went from my conversation with Rob last night to soda bottles. Intense. I'm just going to stop now. It's 4 and I have an art final at 5:30 that I've not yet began to review for. Typical.

So now, alone or not, you've gotta walk ahead.
Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too.

This is going to be one cold new years...

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with myself lately. I feel completely lost, even more so with my current living situation. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having a LIFE.

I'm so sick of fake people, and I'm so sick of friends that I know don't care about me and would drop me in a second if something better came along. My friends aren't like that at home. But up here, I feel like they are. I need some solid friends that are only interested in my friendship, without any motives. I miss shows back home so much, where I knew everyone and I just felt... at home. When I go to shows up here, I feel so out of place. I know only a handful of people and I often feel that I'm bothering them by talking to them. All I've got is Steve sometimes, and even that often falters.

I'm not quite sure where or when I lost my way and became so scared and insecure. Or maybe I've always been this way and my immature ways hid it well. I think everyone feels this way at one point or another.

I had a terrible dream last night, perhaps that's why I feel like my emotions have been placed in a blender all day. I had a dream about my past, about some truly stupid things I did a long time ago. I'm not even that person anymore, but the dream... it was so real, it was happening all over again. I was right there again, in that old boarded up house in Nyack, with THOSE people. Dark and cold... messed up, couldn't see straight... wanting to just disappear, sink right into the floor I was laying on, like some messed up movie where the carpet would just swallow me whole. If I could take back that night, I would give anything.

I spoke to Mike this morning when I woke up for the first time all week. Maybe that wasn't the best way to wake this morning...

Been staying up way too late again...
Trying to sort it out.
Tracing all the lines back to origins.
Been keeping track of of everything.
And I've been keeping track again.
And everything seems too glaring to me.

So tonight I'm stepping outside
For what feels like the thousandth time.
Walking with hands in my pockets,
Looking down the same old streets.
This place can become a part of you,
Whether or not you want it to.

And everyone I know has been keeping to themselves
And everyone I know is trying really hard
To grow and to change.
And I'm not keeping up.

So tonight I'm stepping outside
Wishing that it could be the last time.
I'll stare at these same old streets,
Wet pavement under me
And you never notice the days getting shorter.
You never notice how it can all change.

But it does...
Because in the mirror sheen of these slick streets,
There I can see a face looking up at me.
I know its the features, I know its a shape.
Weathered lines trace a story of change,
Not of being left behind, not a tail of flitter or shine,
This is just me.

And with this foe I have a love hate past.
How come you win every race.
Fine I'll relish what I have today,
And then tomorrow I'll do the same.
The next time, memory crutch staying home.
Next time I go...

I'm always late on these things...

I had such high hopes for this weekend and after tonight, I almost wish I never came home.

I'm so absolutely sick of all these stupid situations I find myself in. It's like I date someone and then for the following 3-4 years we keep in touch and have HORRIBLE cycles of just killing each other. I pretty much came home this weekend for Rob Samp. I went out last night with a bunch of people and we were at Bourbon St. and Rob texted me saying he was out of work and at Olive's, and he walked down to Bourbon St. to see me. After what I did to him back in September, it was so nice to see him and kiss him and just hug him. Today we met up and ran some errands and he got food and we hung out at his house before heading to Westchester to meet up with the guys from Searching for Skylines at some party... either way, one thing lead to another and the topic of being together came up and it was just a disaster. I pretty much said, like I always do, that I don't need anyone in my life, I don't need anyone to take care of me, that I don't want to date him if he's 4 hours away because it all just seems stupid and I literally JUST did that with Sean and that worked out OH so well for me, didn't it? Rob got upset and said he couldn't do this if it's not what I want, that he's tired of open ended situations that he just gets dicked around in.

He doesn't want this to be one of those "we'll hang out when I'm home" things and then I don't want him when I'm away. And I can't exactly point the finger at him and blame him for thinking thats what I want, because we spent that weekend together and he did such amazing things for me for my birthday and after I left I became a raging cunt and told him that I didn't want to be with him and just stopped talking to him. But, only after I started hanging out with Mike and told Rob about it. I mean, I was fucking freaked out man. I spent the last 2 years being hung up on him. Fatman was right that one night going back a year and a half ago when he said, to Trix I believe, that I was a fool and that I'd NEVER get over Rob Sampogna. I spent TWO years wanting to be with him. From December 16th, 2006 til March 18th, 2007 he was all I thought about/talked about.. then I met Sean and all Sean and I did was fight about how much I cared about Rob and how I would go behind his back to talk to Rob. All of last year I tried so many times to talk to Rob, see him, and I wanted so badly for things to work out but it just didn't. And then finally in September things just fell into my lap and he actually wanted to be with ME and I just didn't know what to do. And I still fucking don't, I guess that's why I just had NOTHING to say tonight when Rob was doing all that talking. I feel like a fucking DOUCHE because I was so miserable with what I was doing to him that all that came to mind was "i dont know what you want me to say" when he was pretty much flat out saying "i want to be WITH you". I'm such a fucking asshole.

I'd give ANYTHING to go back to fall 06 when I met him that night in Nyack outside of Starbucks with Matty, Dylan, Bri, and all of them. ANYTHING. And now it's RIGHT there and what the fuck do I do? I put my tail between my fucking legs and run away because I am so fucking scared of getting what I want and being HAPPY. I left his house and came home and he went to Westchester alone. I've just been sitting here not knowing what the fuck to do.

There's no fucking way I could make him happy. I just know I'd disappoint him and I'd rather have him think that he could be in love with me like he said tonight than be with me and then hate me. And now I'm just thinking about Josh. Forever after we ended things his whole thing was "I want to be with you, I just don't think now is the right time and I just want it to be perfect when we are together. And I know I only have one chance wit you and I dont want to waste it on a time when things aren't perfect." and I'd always get to pissed off thinking that NO time is or will EVER be perfect and if you want to be with someone, you'd just BE with them and MAKE it work somehow. You can't fucking WAIT for something to happen, you just have to DO IT. Josh expected me to just sit around and wait til he thought the timing was right, til he wanted to be with me and I, to this day, detest him for that. And now that is EXACTLY what I am doing to Rob. I'm just fucking stringing him along because I don't feel like the timing is right and I feel like I'm just going to fuck things up and that I FINALLY have a chance to be with him after all these years and the last thing I want is to mess up my chance. Which, I feel my reasoning is logical, but sometimes it's not always best to do the 'logical' thing, is it? I'd never want Rob to feel towards me the way I feel towards Josh for doing this to me. I'd rather Rob hate me because I cheated on him or broke my heart than because I was too much of a coward to care about someone and let someone care about me. Phew. So I guess the second sentence of this paragraph isn't actually what I want after all. FUCK.

"I came home because I WANT to be with YOU. I want to call you when I'm having a good day, or a bad day. I wnt to call you for no reason, just to say I miss you. I WANT to depend on you. I want you to depend on me. I want to come come when I can and be with you, and I want you to come up if you can, and be with me. THATS why I came home. THATS why I drove 250 miles to see you. I'm also tired of open ended situations that I constantly get dicked around in, because I've had nothing but a fucking mess of that since last December 8th. But you know me so well and automatically assume that because when put on the spot, I can't produce words to explain how I feel, that I don't want anything more than a 'see you when I'm home' deal. I aboslutely love you Rob, and that's not something I just hand out to everyone, I ALWAYS have, from the moment I met you. I've always wanted to fix what was broken with me so that I could be exactly what you need, but I haven't quite figured out how to be what you want."

Blah. And last night was so awesome. I got into Rockland around 7:30, Sullivan and Brett got me at 8, we went to fireside and hung out, then headed down to Bourbon St in Nyack around 10 and just got silly. Vino, Bateman, MY COUSIN, everyone was out and it was so great to see so many faces that I haven't seen since I went back to Oswego. Rob came by Bourbon St and that made me so happy. Sullivan paid for everything and we had so much fun. Monique even showed up with her cousin of a boyfriend, ha, and we didn't even let that get us down man. It was such a great fucking night. We stayed out til just after 3am, then went back to his house and assed out. Woke up and watched Avril this morning, HA, then he drove me home at noon. I had SO much fucking fun last night and I thought the rest of the weekend would just naturally FOLLOW.

Fucking a man.

Hull even won today, in 5th place now.

But still, fucking a.

I'm not usually this angry...

Wow, I fucking hate Jaime. I'm driving home after class this afternoon and I see her car in the driveway so I decide to just keep going and go get food and pray she was gone when I got home. She was, but Keri was home and she comes in my room and tells me all this shit Jaime was saying about me just moments before she left the house. That fucking cunt. She was saying that I've been home A LOT since I quit my job three weeks ago (which, i was in Rockland for 7 days, so that leaves two weeks before break that I was home) and that it annoys her how often I'm in the house. Like, HELLO, first off, it's my fucking house you dumb fat cunt. If I want to be home, then I'm going to be home. I was only making up for the fact that I spent 5/7 nights out of the house and sleeping out over the summer and quite often during the semester as well. AND on top of that, bitch, after I quit which was on a Saturday, I went to Syracuse to see Mike that Thursday AND Friday so I wasn't home til Saturday. Then, I wasn't home Sunday OR Monday because Brian and I were together, arguing about me quiting. And then yeah, Tuesday was the day I got really sick and I legit didn't leave my bedroom from Tuesday night until I left for home the following Monday. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT HOW OFTEN I'M HOME!? Maybe if you got off your fat, lazy ass and LEFT the couch, you wouldn't know how often I was home. AHHH, made me so fucking angry. Then I guess Keri asked if she was going to be here over winter break, which neither Keri nor myself want her to be, and she said yes and asked if I was goin to be and Keri said yes and Keri said she just rolled her eyes and walked away. AHHHHHHH I WANT TO FUCKING KILL HER.

God, I fucking hate living in the house. I want to clean Ninja's litter box and dump it on her fucking bed.

On the bright side, Mike will be here tomorrow afternoon. I'm looking forward to hanging with him for a while before heading home again.

I'll be home this weekend, again. Friday night I'll no doubt hang with Sullivan and whoever else. Maybe Darrell if he's done with his paper crap. Saturday I told Sampogna that I'd hang with him, he wants to go to the movies, or rent a movie, or bake cupcakes, ha. He said he wants to try to distract himself because otherwise he'll fall victim to "my ways", HA. He said that even if I don't try, I'm sometimes irresistible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. ::brushes shoulder:: I know.

Ray's coming with me to see the bouncing souls at the end of the month. I honestly cannot wait for that. I'm still bummed about missing Friday's show. But, I miss Ninja and I need him back here so he can shit on Jaime's parade. Fucking cunt. I'm so angry with her. And you know, she STILL hasn't given me cable money and cable is due by midnight tomorrow night. I texted her to remind her earlier today and got no response. She spent $180 on super ugly Coach boots the other day because "uggs are out", ha, but she can't afford $41 for cable. She probably spent the rest of her paycheck on McDonald's fries so she can stock up on fat for the winter season.