I wish that in a lifetime, you were given three passes to change something in your past. If that were possible, I think I would use one of my cards. It's been a really rough past two months but I just kept going, knowing that time seems to help with things you cannot change. And now that I know I hurt someone through a choice I made makes me so frustrated. Having to see them kills me because I'm only reminded of what happened back in November. I was back and forth yesterday about going to the show because I knew exactly how I'd feel but I decided to suck it up and go... and for the rest of the night I kept wishing I could go back and not be so damn stubborn and not think I can just handle things on my own.

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to my phl 442, Social Philosophy, class. There's 8 people in my class including my professor who is absolutely insane in the best way possible. She opened the class with an introduction about herself which consisted of these facts: she left her super conservative family in her teens to join an anarchist group, she had an abortion before it was legal when she was a teenager, she used to write and review for an anarchy magazine, she spoke on behalf of pro-choice before Roe v. Wade was decided, she went to school for about 15 years on and off while working with multiple activist groups, she hates the American education system, and she's out of her mind. Our activity on the first day was to write down any political and/or social concerns we have, domestic or international and also if we were an autocratic ruler, how would we rule, what kind of laws would be enforce. We talked about that for the entire class. So stoked on this class. I think it's going to be a challenge. It's really going to push me to learn a lot, especially because it's such a small group of students and the other 6 people in the class seem to be extremely intelligent.

So far the three classes I've attended seem like they are going to be interesting, and not easy. I have my Intro to Counseling, cps 310, class tomorrow which I'm curious to see what that is going to be like. I feel like that's the one course this semester that I REALLY truly need for the future.

I've been thinking a lot about school lately, undergrad school at least. Before I came up here a few days ago I was looking over my schedule, thinking about how many classes there are that I want to take. Then I got to thinking that I don't have many classes left that I NEED to take to graduate. I've got this semester, one this summer, and next semester... but there is just so much that I want to learn, so much that I think is important for me to learn. I'm going to leave school with a degree in psychology, and then get my masters and phd focusing on the counseling aspect of psychology. But, there is so much more that I want to know. I've taken a few courses in different areas for gen eds, but most I took when I was younger because I HAD TO. I don't remember a single thing from freshman year, or really sophmore year. I bounced around a lot between schools, didn't know exactly where I wanted to be or what was important to me. I went to class and passed because there was no other option. I did what I had to to get the grades, but everything was in one ear and out the other.

This past year I've noticed a significant difference in the way that I learn and how I view the importance of an education. I want to be a well rounded person. I want to take classes that I'm interested in. I don't want to be done with school and look back and think 'gee, I really wish I took this course... it probably would be have been really interesting'. I want to actually TAKE those courses. I found out the other day that my philosophy class may not count towards anything in my degree but I don't even care, I'm still going to take it because I know it's going to challenge me and I'm motivated to do really well and learn all that I can from the course work and also from the professor. I really do think I'm going to just fill the gaps in the next three semesters with courses I'm interested in, even if they won't count towards anything. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to learn everything possibly during my undergraduate degree and not wish I did something different.

Some people will probably think I'm insane for feeling this way, or maybe not insane, but just not understand what I think I'm going to do. I guess to most people it's get in, get your degree, get out. And also, school is expensive so it's important to get your head straight, get good grades in the courses you need to take, get your degree and be done with little to no loans. But, I'm fortunate in the sense that I don't have huge school bills like most people do. I'm also very unfortunate because it took me an extremely long time to get my head straight and get focused.

There's so much I want to do but I feel like there is just no time to do anything because I'm so overwhelmed with the plan that was made for me that I didn't take part in making. That goes for everyone. It's go to high school, go to college, graduate in 4-5 years, either get a job right away or get your masters then get a job, get married, have kids, and then help them do that. It's just not what I want. I've been going with the flow and it's not gotten me very far. I'm 21 and I've got the world ahead of me and I want to take as much advantage as I possibly can. Most of my friends are graduating at the end of this semester and that's cool with me. I've got plenty of time and am in no rush what so ever.

for real?

I'm glad I decided the other night that I wasn't going to go back up to Oswego this afternoon and I was just going to go back up midweek next week. If I didn't make that decision on my own, it wouldn't have mattered anyway because someone else made it for me. I went to the doctor today. Fuck my life, right... it's just my luck that I'm that 1 out of 100,000,000,000,000 person. I need to go see another kind of doctor now whose office was closed when my doctor tried calling to get me in TODAY. So, Monday I need to call myself and make an appointment before Wednesday. I also need to go get blood work done. She asked me to do it today so she could have the results by Monday... but I really just want to fucking cry.

How's that for attention?

Happy New Year

Old habits die hard I suppose. It may be a new year, but I've learned that there are some skeletons that are just not ready to leave my closet. My brother has agreed to lend me the $1,700, fortunately.

It's been a long night...

Brooklyn / Manhattan was seriously, the best time I've had in a while. No one cares what I did so I'm not going to write about that.

What I am going to say though... hanging with total Manhattan hipsters and that made coach from MTV and that band Semi Precious Weapons and his 'crew' in some fancy upscale club called Cain where a bottle of Vodka that I can buy for $50 max in a liquor store was $500 or more and other bottles were priced at $40,000 and higher, truly makes me appreciate my true friends that are my friend because of who I am underneath makeup and clothing and stereotypes that come along with that. Last night after making my way back to Brooklyn from Manhattan to find myself crashing on my friends couch, I laid awake after everyone had fallen asleep thinking about my friends, even some from up at school, and my family and hometown, and I just could not wait to get on that train today and see their faces.

I am so fortunate to not be blindsided by appearances and clothing and makeup and having the 'right friends'. I would be friends with my friends regardless of whether they had the newest Channel clutch that costs more than my car or they shopped at second hand stores and dressed to the equivalence of a bum everyday.

Last night, Steve Baby was saying how tough it is to attract crowds to hardcore shows in Brooklyn and Christina commented saying that Brooklyn kids feel like they're 'too good' for shows like that. It makes me sick the people think they are too good for something. I'm sure I have been guilty of this before, but at least I recognize if I'm being a pretentious ass. Everybody is the same, nobody is better than someone else. I'd be a moron if I thought the world would ever work that way, but it's a true statement.

Everyone kissed that dude Justin's ass last night and it aggravated me. I'm guilty of leaning to Christina and saying "That's the guy that was on Made last month" when he first sat next to us and being glad that I got to hang out with him because he was a funny, RIDICULOUS, dude... but that was that. I would have been just as satisfied hanging with somebody who nobody at the club knew or noticed, who was equally funny and witty.

My cousin has been dating Jackie O's (Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) stepdaughter for the last two years and my cousin finally told the family exactly who she was just before Christmas and the buzz in my family is just intense over the topic. I don't get it. I think it's neat because Jackie O is a fashion icon, but who cares about the money and the fame and blah blah. SHE IS HUMAN AND HER MONEY AND FAME MAKES HER NO MORE OR LESS IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING OR BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I suppose the fact that I thought it was important enough to blog about makes me guilty in some far fetched sense.

Who knows, who cares. Either way... last night was a good time.

Tomorrow I'm going to Brooklyn to hang with Steve Baby, should be fun. After I see Steve Baby, Christina and I are going to a club in Manhattan where her friend is the photographer. Then I'm crashing in Brooklyn for the night.

I was the crabbiest person last night, I hate when I take my feelings out of people who don't deserve it. But then again, I don't really understand how you can NOT 'take it out on others around you'. If something ridiculous is going on in your life and it's mind fucking you and driving you up a wall, how are you supposed to act like it's not? Just because you're with someone that has nothing to do with it, you're supposed to just pretend to be in an okay mood, and what... talk about something else? Maybe I'm a crummy person, but if something bad is on my mind, I show it. I'm not very good at pretending to not be annoyed with something. It's selfish and shitty of me, but when I'm in a mood, you're best bet is to just NOT be around me if you can't deal with a pissed off person. And if you can take someone being a bitch, then please just give me a hug and just don't say anything. Or fart, that usually makes me laugh regardless...

Regardless of how impossible I think it is to not be a douchebag to those in your presence when you're in the midst of a shitty event, I do feel awful when I'm a bitch to people. And I appreciate those that have the courage to flat out say I'm being a bitch and to cool it. Jason straight up said "you're being a bitch and i don't deserve it" and went home. As annoyed as it made me, I applaud him.

Doctors next Friday afternoon to give me the okay to leave town. And if all goes well, I'll be on the road at 4pm. I sure hope everything is okay.

Chasing dragons in our dreams...

So, I went to the doctor the other day. Looks like I'll be spending another two weeks in Rockland because things aren't looking too good and I need to wait two weeks to see if things turn around and I have a doctors appointment the week after next. Honestly, doctor crap aside, I'm not all that bummed about having to stay here. It has been such a pleasant break from Oswego and that. Though, Shannon keeps getting in touch with me and I want to see her. She asked me to come over tonight, her and her housemate I suppose were having people over, bummer.

My living arrangements are falling into place for June. I just need to sign a lease, and things are signed, sealed, stamped. I'll be living in Syracuse, commuting in a pair of two to class two or three times a week in Oswego. I'll be working in Syracuse and it will be the best year of my life thus far, I am sure of it. Getting a puppy over the summer is also part of the plan. This was something that was not expected, but it just feels natural. It feels right and I am thrilled about it. I have a good feeling.

The city the other day was so nice as well. After I got out of the doctors around noon, My mom and I took the train from Tarrytown to Grand Central then walked all over and it was so great. We went to FAO Schwarz and it was like being a kid all over again. There were sections of the store devoted to Harry Potter and it was just GREAT. My mom couldn't stop laughing at me because I was all over, freaking out going "MOM LOOK!!!" everytime I saw a new Harry Potter item. They had massive lego figures from Harry Potter. Harry was MY SIZE! God, it was great. So stoked on the next movie coming out soon. We went up to Blades up on 72nd street, walked all the way from Grand Central, and they didn't even have what I wanted. But, it was a great walk. We did central park and everything. It got cold once it hit 7pm, so we hopped a subway to head back down to Time Square. There were mobs of people already for New Years and it was the night before. It was crazy. We ate at this great irish pub I love and I had my first beer with my mom as a citizen of legal drinking age. We got to see the tree all lit up, it was so gorgeous, but there were just SO many people.

When we went to St. Catherine's, she flicked holy water at me and I screamed "WHAT THE HELL!" in the middle of church and a family walking behind us started cracking up. I was so pissed. The whole visit there I was ranting about how CRAZY religion was and that this church was so amazing because of all the ASSHOLES that give the Christian religion money. Morons. Fuck religion. It was funny none-the-less. My mom and I are still laughing about it. When we were more uptown, we came across this bum begging for cigarettes but no one would give him one and just as we passed him he was like "PLEASE, SOMEONE JUST GIVE ME A DAMN CIGARETTE! YOU KNOW... YOU ALL SUCK!!!" So, I convinced my mother to give him one, and he starts screaming "THANK YOU SOOO MUCH" as we walked the next two blocks passed him. Great story. We sat outside central park and talked for a while and people watched. It was so great.

New Years Eve was rough. Jay, Christina, Tyler, Frank, and his girlfriend went to Frank's sisters house (which was unbelievably, 6 floors, 7 bathrooms, a million bedrooms, GORGEOUS) for a little party. Little did we know, it was more of a 'dinner party' for 25 or older type people. A crazy weird black dude was hitting on me as Jay was at my side, that was a riot. I thought maybe I was crazy for getting the vibe that he wanted my box, but after we left Jay said something like "So, how about that black dude that totally wanted you all night" It was great, so classic. Tyler, myself, Christina, and Jay hung out on the 5th floor watching Elf and stuff for a good majority of the night. Frank and his girlfriend came up as well for a bit. Frank's girlfriend and I started trading stories about Frank and Jay, that was just HYSTERICAL and we so embarassed them. I shouted "SO, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO JAY YEARSSSSSSS AGO, AND THAT VERY FIRST TIME, HE WAS SO NERVOUS HE WORE HIS HAT THE WHOLE TIME" and I felt terrible after I said it because Jay's face just started glowing red and his entire face just dropped! It was funny though. It was a good night though. I spent it with good people. And, for the first time since Jason and I started dating when I was 13, Tyler and I GOT ALONG and I wasn't a complete cunt to him. My grandma was right, I'm becoming a softy in my old age!

I'm sleeping home, and solo, with Ninja tonight, he's so thrilled. Tomorrow I get to buy new bindings, return those boots to Urban Outfitters, bathe my doggies, and then probably chill out all night again. These next two weeks are going to be relaxing. Now that I know I'm staying home for a while longer, I actually unpacked and put my clothing away and did laundry and cleaned my room up. It's strange to think this will more than likely be my last time home. After my move in June, that's pretty much it. The only thing that brings me back to Rockland time after time, will no longer be here. After I'm done with school next year, it's most likely the BIG move to the city and I'll be in whatever apartment I move to for minimum of 4 years for my ma/phd. So intense to think that 2009 will be my LAST full year of my undergraduate degree, last year upstate, last half year of living without a male. Eeep. Fuck.

Oh yeah, tonight, I bought the Bouncing Souls 12 new songs and the 4 bonuses. I downloaded "Gasoline" tonight, and I'll be able to download another new song every 1st of the month and at the end of year, I'll get the 4 bonuses. It was $12, I figured.. why not? I'm sharing them with anyone who wants them... just let me know.

Okay, I want to read more of that book and hit the sack. Every time I got to sleep, I'm so excited to wake up and enjoy the next day. Every day just seems so great lately. This book has been digging up so much that has been way down for a long time. All things that NEED to come up and be talked about before June. Shits got to be laid out on the table.