Sunday, August 2, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Not sure...
I went down to flat rock on Wednesday after class because we got out early... I just sat there alone for about an hour and a half just watching the water, listening to City and Colour. I cried my eyes out, but it felt so great to just let it go. I thought after that I'd feel a huge sense of relief, getting the crying out of me. But, I came home after that and my mom called and she was just dumb so I hung up on her. I started crying terribly at the end of our conversation and it went on and on and on and I couldn't stop crying. I cried hysterically, could barely breath, for over an hour. I just sat on my living room floor crying. I had absolutely no control. I kept begging that someone would open my front door and just fucking hold me and tell me it's okay. And it just didn't happen. Of course it didn't.
I hate being in this house. Everything here reminds me of Luke. Everything. But, I have no where to go. Nothing to do. Work and school are the only things I have. I want to go home so badly and just get out of here and clear my head for a few days... but it's just not in the cards for me. I've got to write the introduction to my research this weekend, 3 pages NO FLUFF. And next weekend if the floor set at work, so I'll be working a lot. I need to get out of here though. For more than a day.
I ignored my mom after I hung up on her for a while. I ignored a few calls that night and texts. Then the next day, yesterday, I ignored her calls again and finally texted her saying I was busy and she said to call as soon as I wasn't. I didn't. She called and called and I didn't answer. I just don't want to talk about this. I spoke to her Monday when I left the police station the first time and that was it. I was so angry for no reason. She didn't do anything, didn't say anything... I was just so upset and felt so alone that I literally just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to her because I assumed I'd know what she'd say... "You'll be fine , eventually. Just move on. It isn't worth being like this over. Don't mess up school." and I just didn't want to hear it. I didn't want a lecture.
I finally answered her call last night around 11:30 and I finally just let it all spill out. But I only spilled the beans AFTER she told me that she IMed Luke and spoke to him on Monday night, without telling me first. I was so annoyed. I was SO angry at her for doing that. But I think I was more jealous that she spoke to him. I felt a lot better once we got off the phone. I still had no idea what to do or how to deal... but I knew how I felt. And even though I'm completely terrible at showing someone how I feel, at least I know how I feel is real.
I was fine yesterday for the most part. Except when I was completely alone, about to make dinner... standing in my kitchen completely alone, about to eat, completely alone, and spend the night home, completely alone.
But, like everyone's saying... it will all be fine, eventually. And I haven't figured out how that is supposed to make me feel any better right now.
I laid awake in bed last night until crazy hours this morning. I went to bed at 8am when I had to be awake for work at 9:30. I haven't had a single good nights sleep this week. I just want to fall asleep feeling good and wake up looking forward to the day. I haven't had that in a while...
I hate being in this house. Everything here reminds me of Luke. Everything. But, I have no where to go. Nothing to do. Work and school are the only things I have. I want to go home so badly and just get out of here and clear my head for a few days... but it's just not in the cards for me. I've got to write the introduction to my research this weekend, 3 pages NO FLUFF. And next weekend if the floor set at work, so I'll be working a lot. I need to get out of here though. For more than a day.
I ignored my mom after I hung up on her for a while. I ignored a few calls that night and texts. Then the next day, yesterday, I ignored her calls again and finally texted her saying I was busy and she said to call as soon as I wasn't. I didn't. She called and called and I didn't answer. I just don't want to talk about this. I spoke to her Monday when I left the police station the first time and that was it. I was so angry for no reason. She didn't do anything, didn't say anything... I was just so upset and felt so alone that I literally just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to her because I assumed I'd know what she'd say... "You'll be fine , eventually. Just move on. It isn't worth being like this over. Don't mess up school." and I just didn't want to hear it. I didn't want a lecture.
I finally answered her call last night around 11:30 and I finally just let it all spill out. But I only spilled the beans AFTER she told me that she IMed Luke and spoke to him on Monday night, without telling me first. I was so annoyed. I was SO angry at her for doing that. But I think I was more jealous that she spoke to him. I felt a lot better once we got off the phone. I still had no idea what to do or how to deal... but I knew how I felt. And even though I'm completely terrible at showing someone how I feel, at least I know how I feel is real.
I was fine yesterday for the most part. Except when I was completely alone, about to make dinner... standing in my kitchen completely alone, about to eat, completely alone, and spend the night home, completely alone.
But, like everyone's saying... it will all be fine, eventually. And I haven't figured out how that is supposed to make me feel any better right now.
I laid awake in bed last night until crazy hours this morning. I went to bed at 8am when I had to be awake for work at 9:30. I haven't had a single good nights sleep this week. I just want to fall asleep feeling good and wake up looking forward to the day. I haven't had that in a while...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Where do we go from here...
God these last few weeks have been hell. Breaking up with Luke was easy at first and it's progressively gotten worse and worse and it's now been over two weeks since it happened.
We ended up having to go to the police station this past Monday night. The cop that we were originally dealing with wouldn't file a complaint, said that as of right now, there were no direct threats to my safety so until something happens they can't really do anything. I left nearly shaking and in tears. I sat in my car crying on the phone and Luke eventually came out and walked by my car and had the balls to blow me a kiss and smile. That imagine keeps playing over and over in my head and it's tearing me apart. How can he be so heartless? How can he be so manipulative? How can he do what he did and laugh because he thinks he got away with something?
Not even 30 minutes after getting home after that, I was called and asked to come back down to the police station. I sat with 5 cops on at that point and explained my story and every single one, at different points said something to the affect of "What were you doing with THIS GUY?" and I just felt so embarassed saying I cared and trusted him. How could I have so dumb to allow myself to fall for him. I was there for nearly two hours, they reported a harassment 2 charge against him, I opted to NOT have him arrested, just wanted a report. I don't know why at the point I was STILL concerned about his well being, not wanting him to get in trouble. The cops didn't understand either.
How can someone look you DEAD in the eyes not even two weeks prior to something like that and say "I love you" and say everything in the world positive about you, telling you they want the best for you and care so much about you... after you're already broken up. Then less than two weeks later, they do that. They take back everything they said and felt. I know it wasn't the case that Luke was "in love" with me from the beginning so there wasn't much to take back... but still. The cruelty in his heart is something that disgusts me.
And after all of this... it's been so difficult for me to stop thinking about him and stop going over every detail of what happened. Everytime I think I'm okay, I feel my chest tighten and I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I sat on my couch last night talking to Matt for a few hours about the situation and I had to keep stopping because the tears were flooding my eyes and I couldn't stand to let someone see me so broken. I hate that I am so torn up over this. I shouldn't even care. I was so miserable with him. SO MISERABLE. He was such a douchebag. I knew I was going to break up with him for a few days before I actually did it. I can't believe I TRUSTED him and then he did this.
How can someone tell you that you mean so much and then wake up the next morning and tell you that you are the spawn of satan and they hope you fail at everything and get aids and die. I've NEVER in my life been involved in a situation like this. Every break up I've had has been civil. I've kept in touch with nearly every person in my life that I've dated, not that theres been many... but never in my life have I ever had to deal with someone like Luke. THE POLICE!? HARASSMENT CHARGES!? HAVING THE CHOICE TO HAVE SOMEONE ARRESTED!? Over what!? Over a 4 month relationship break up!? Over jealousy!?
And the worst part is that I miss having him around. I haven't been alone in my house for longer than 30 minutes since this started happening on Sunday. And tonight will be the first day I'll be alone. I came to the library to sit on the internet so I wouldn't feel alone. I can't even THINK about being home alone. I'm going to break down.
I'm not trained to deal with anything like this. But, I suppose no one is. I honestly feel broken. I couldn't even be in price chopper yesterday because I kept looking over my shoulder, half hoping I'd see him and half dreading ever seeing him again. What do I do? I feel like throwing up from the thought of being in the same room as him. How can you miss someone so much but hate someone so much all at the same time? How can you possibly miss someone after knowing and experiencing what Luke did to me? What Luke HAS been doing for months.
With you on my mind
And my heart held in your hands
Screaming
Break me
Break me
Oooh, oh
We ended up having to go to the police station this past Monday night. The cop that we were originally dealing with wouldn't file a complaint, said that as of right now, there were no direct threats to my safety so until something happens they can't really do anything. I left nearly shaking and in tears. I sat in my car crying on the phone and Luke eventually came out and walked by my car and had the balls to blow me a kiss and smile. That imagine keeps playing over and over in my head and it's tearing me apart. How can he be so heartless? How can he be so manipulative? How can he do what he did and laugh because he thinks he got away with something?
Not even 30 minutes after getting home after that, I was called and asked to come back down to the police station. I sat with 5 cops on at that point and explained my story and every single one, at different points said something to the affect of "What were you doing with THIS GUY?" and I just felt so embarassed saying I cared and trusted him. How could I have so dumb to allow myself to fall for him. I was there for nearly two hours, they reported a harassment 2 charge against him, I opted to NOT have him arrested, just wanted a report. I don't know why at the point I was STILL concerned about his well being, not wanting him to get in trouble. The cops didn't understand either.
How can someone look you DEAD in the eyes not even two weeks prior to something like that and say "I love you" and say everything in the world positive about you, telling you they want the best for you and care so much about you... after you're already broken up. Then less than two weeks later, they do that. They take back everything they said and felt. I know it wasn't the case that Luke was "in love" with me from the beginning so there wasn't much to take back... but still. The cruelty in his heart is something that disgusts me.
And after all of this... it's been so difficult for me to stop thinking about him and stop going over every detail of what happened. Everytime I think I'm okay, I feel my chest tighten and I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I sat on my couch last night talking to Matt for a few hours about the situation and I had to keep stopping because the tears were flooding my eyes and I couldn't stand to let someone see me so broken. I hate that I am so torn up over this. I shouldn't even care. I was so miserable with him. SO MISERABLE. He was such a douchebag. I knew I was going to break up with him for a few days before I actually did it. I can't believe I TRUSTED him and then he did this.
How can someone tell you that you mean so much and then wake up the next morning and tell you that you are the spawn of satan and they hope you fail at everything and get aids and die. I've NEVER in my life been involved in a situation like this. Every break up I've had has been civil. I've kept in touch with nearly every person in my life that I've dated, not that theres been many... but never in my life have I ever had to deal with someone like Luke. THE POLICE!? HARASSMENT CHARGES!? HAVING THE CHOICE TO HAVE SOMEONE ARRESTED!? Over what!? Over a 4 month relationship break up!? Over jealousy!?
And the worst part is that I miss having him around. I haven't been alone in my house for longer than 30 minutes since this started happening on Sunday. And tonight will be the first day I'll be alone. I came to the library to sit on the internet so I wouldn't feel alone. I can't even THINK about being home alone. I'm going to break down.
I'm not trained to deal with anything like this. But, I suppose no one is. I honestly feel broken. I couldn't even be in price chopper yesterday because I kept looking over my shoulder, half hoping I'd see him and half dreading ever seeing him again. What do I do? I feel like throwing up from the thought of being in the same room as him. How can you miss someone so much but hate someone so much all at the same time? How can you possibly miss someone after knowing and experiencing what Luke did to me? What Luke HAS been doing for months.
With you on my mind
And my heart held in your hands
Screaming
Break me
Break me
Oooh, oh
Friday, May 29, 2009
Well, it certainly didn't take long....
I broke up with Luke last night (Wednesday night). It sucked when he came over to get his stuff... but, that's life. It was only four months, so it wasn't a massive portion of time. I almost feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. No more worrying. No more fighting. No more having to TRY to be happy.
No more compromising myself or my happiness for someone else's satisfaction or gain.
Brownies, grilling, puppies, frisbee, movies in Auburn on Saturday night. Be there or be square.
Rob, you best feel better so you and Sierra can enjoy the afternoon with us.
I broke up with Luke last night (Wednesday night). It sucked when he came over to get his stuff... but, that's life. It was only four months, so it wasn't a massive portion of time. I almost feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. No more worrying. No more fighting. No more having to TRY to be happy.
No more compromising myself or my happiness for someone else's satisfaction or gain.
Brownies, grilling, puppies, frisbee, movies in Auburn on Saturday night. Be there or be square.
Rob, you best feel better so you and Sierra can enjoy the afternoon with us.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
I just read my last post and I was right.
a) The show on the 5th was AWFUL. I didn't say one word to Matt the entire time and it was the most awkward time I've had for as long as I can remember.
b) Matt texted me the morning after the show saying he didn't deserve the way I treated him at the show and I agreed and apologized. We've been good since then.
c) Just like in Matt's "who i'd like to meet" section he posted for a few days.... we are going to Slingshot Dakota together.
d) I finally got to see The Effort the other day and it was awesome. And I was with Matt and Rob from about 1:00pm-2:00am and then I drove Matt from Syracuse all the way home to Auburn then I drove myself home to Oswego afterwards and got home at 4:00am nearly. Seeing The Effort and Reckless Days, running errands in Cuse with Matt, sitting in the pizza shop talking for HOURS, then going to Rob's to play an edge game of Apples to Apples was the best night I could have asked for. And the fact that my cell phone was dead the entire time made it that much better.
e) Tomorrow Casey is meeting me at Hollister when I get out at 5:00 and we're going to Cuse to meet Matt and Jake at the Westcott. Then we're going to Rob's school and watching his Lacrosse game at 6:00. Then we're all going to see Slingshot back at the Westcott at 8:30. So stoked on tomorrow.
f) I like lettering my paragraphs. It feels organized.
g) I'm fucking lame, hahahaha.
a) The show on the 5th was AWFUL. I didn't say one word to Matt the entire time and it was the most awkward time I've had for as long as I can remember.
b) Matt texted me the morning after the show saying he didn't deserve the way I treated him at the show and I agreed and apologized. We've been good since then.
c) Just like in Matt's "who i'd like to meet" section he posted for a few days.... we are going to Slingshot Dakota together.
d) I finally got to see The Effort the other day and it was awesome. And I was with Matt and Rob from about 1:00pm-2:00am and then I drove Matt from Syracuse all the way home to Auburn then I drove myself home to Oswego afterwards and got home at 4:00am nearly. Seeing The Effort and Reckless Days, running errands in Cuse with Matt, sitting in the pizza shop talking for HOURS, then going to Rob's to play an edge game of Apples to Apples was the best night I could have asked for. And the fact that my cell phone was dead the entire time made it that much better.
e) Tomorrow Casey is meeting me at Hollister when I get out at 5:00 and we're going to Cuse to meet Matt and Jake at the Westcott. Then we're going to Rob's school and watching his Lacrosse game at 6:00. Then we're all going to see Slingshot back at the Westcott at 8:30. So stoked on tomorrow.
f) I like lettering my paragraphs. It feels organized.
g) I'm fucking lame, hahahaha.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
fml, im so dumb and such an asshole
Driscoll's "Who I'd like to meet" section that he changed the other night after we 'talked'....
Who I'd like to meet:
Somebody who-
x. who never stops smiling
x. is willing to talk to me for hours on end
x. loves the smell of campfire
x. who sleeps for 50% of the day
x. who owns the most comfortable bed
x. who can sit through Top Gun on VHS with me
x. who watches High Fidelity too much and can quote the entire film
x. who will take their shoes off and walk under waterfalls
x. who can put me in place when I brag about flying
x. who can handle how much of a dork I am
x. who can make me smile when I'm at my worst
x. who will go to Slingshot Dakota with me
If this person exists, tell them I'm waiting for them and ready to show them the best time of their life...
And then ... mattallmetal (5:43:48 AM): i had been going in my profile for 2 days straight and just changing an extra space in my "who i want to meet" just so maybe you would notice that i changed it
...... I'm so tired of being an asshole ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
The show on the 5th is going to be fucking awful. I'm so stoked that I got The Knockdown playing so Fatman will be here and the guys are crashing with me again. But, Knuckle Dragger is on the show too, with me as an influence I'm sure, and.... I'll be there, clearly Driscoll will be, and Luke will be too. Why do I feel like this is always the case with me? Gah.
Who I'd like to meet:
Somebody who-
x. who never stops smiling
x. is willing to talk to me for hours on end
x. loves the smell of campfire
x. who sleeps for 50% of the day
x. who owns the most comfortable bed
x. who can sit through Top Gun on VHS with me
x. who watches High Fidelity too much and can quote the entire film
x. who will take their shoes off and walk under waterfalls
x. who can put me in place when I brag about flying
x. who can handle how much of a dork I am
x. who can make me smile when I'm at my worst
x. who will go to Slingshot Dakota with me
If this person exists, tell them I'm waiting for them and ready to show them the best time of their life...
And then ... mattallmetal (5:43:48 AM): i had been going in my profile for 2 days straight and just changing an extra space in my "who i want to meet" just so maybe you would notice that i changed it
...... I'm so tired of being an asshole ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
The show on the 5th is going to be fucking awful. I'm so stoked that I got The Knockdown playing so Fatman will be here and the guys are crashing with me again. But, Knuckle Dragger is on the show too, with me as an influence I'm sure, and.... I'll be there, clearly Driscoll will be, and Luke will be too. Why do I feel like this is always the case with me? Gah.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
meh.
I'm bummin' tonight man. I upset Driscoll and it drives me crazy that I HAD to do that. I saw no other option though...
I'm so exhausted and I have Quest Day events I want to attend tomorrow. I'm on call for work tomorrow, but I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to go because I want to go to the seminar at 11:30 on Carl Jung real bad.
Working at Hollister has gotten better. I've gotten to know a few people and have been talking to my manager Sean a lot which has been nice. I'm gonna spend the summer working there then I'm going to try to find something new come August once jobs are hiring again just before all the college kids come back. I certainly can't work at Hollister with a chest piece, can I?
Driscoll was drawing me up a tattoo that HE was going to tattoo on me. Even though we're still speaking, I doubt we'll hang to do that.
The semester is over in two weeks tomorrow for me. I cannot believe it flew by this quickly. My grades are really good... I'm happy about that. My summer course starts the end of May and will run until July 4th. It'll be nice to be done with that and have a month and a half to just hang out. Not that a three time a week evening course is going to get in the way of anything, ha.
Ninja's being adorable, I'm gonna pay attention to him and go to sleep, solo.
I'm so exhausted and I have Quest Day events I want to attend tomorrow. I'm on call for work tomorrow, but I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to go because I want to go to the seminar at 11:30 on Carl Jung real bad.
Working at Hollister has gotten better. I've gotten to know a few people and have been talking to my manager Sean a lot which has been nice. I'm gonna spend the summer working there then I'm going to try to find something new come August once jobs are hiring again just before all the college kids come back. I certainly can't work at Hollister with a chest piece, can I?
Driscoll was drawing me up a tattoo that HE was going to tattoo on me. Even though we're still speaking, I doubt we'll hang to do that.
The semester is over in two weeks tomorrow for me. I cannot believe it flew by this quickly. My grades are really good... I'm happy about that. My summer course starts the end of May and will run until July 4th. It'll be nice to be done with that and have a month and a half to just hang out. Not that a three time a week evening course is going to get in the way of anything, ha.
Ninja's being adorable, I'm gonna pay attention to him and go to sleep, solo.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tomorrow is Fatman's show at The Raven. I am so unbelievably stoked to see him. I've been waiting MONTHS to go see the knockdown play and to just chill with Fatman all night. We are going to rage hard tomorrow night. So stoked on seeing them all.
Saturday Driscoll is coming into town and we're going to hang all day/night. Should be a good time.
Sunday is Easter and my mom might be coming into town. I think she has spring break this upcoming week so perhaps she'll stay for a few days. That'd be enjoyable.
Working at Hollister fucking blows, for the record. The people, the job, everything. I don't know how Steve Baby does it. I'm already looking for a new job.
Oooof. I miss Mr. Button.
Saturday Driscoll is coming into town and we're going to hang all day/night. Should be a good time.
Sunday is Easter and my mom might be coming into town. I think she has spring break this upcoming week so perhaps she'll stay for a few days. That'd be enjoyable.
Working at Hollister fucking blows, for the record. The people, the job, everything. I don't know how Steve Baby does it. I'm already looking for a new job.
Oooof. I miss Mr. Button.
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