It was just a few months ago when I told Steve Edge I was ready to 'date' someone. God, am I glad I didn't truly think that because that would have been a disaster. I've been so much happier being single, not 'seeing' anyone or anything of the sort for the past few months. It's been great being free to my own thoughts and emotions, not having to worry about somebody else or what is going on with them.

I'm listening to Tegan and Sara for the first time in a while. It's strange how music directly links to a specific point in time and how when you listened to it, you are back in that situation. It's such a great sense of nostalgia. Tegan and Sara makes me remember waking up with Mike those couple of times at my place and the first thing we did was grab for the computer to rush to their myspace and listen to their music while doing the whole checking the email thing. And also driving downtown in Cuse with him. Shits nuts. I'm no longer down about what happened, for the record. I'm not even sorry anymore. I did the right thing for me. Even if I did things differently, nothing would have been different. I don't care what he said, or anyone else says, he wouldn't have cared regardless of the timing. And that's that. I felt guilty for a while and I beat myself up over it. It was brutal. And I'm just not doing it anymore because it, he, is certainly not worth the trouble.

I pushed myself to go out this weekend after those few rough days. It was nice seeing Amy and Casey even though I only stayed for an hour and a half and then ditched to hang with Luke. Positive people are exactly what I needed and it's exactly what I got. Pretty sure Amy and I have some sort of unset plans this week, which will be good to say the least. Heather will be in town this weekend and I am very excited for that. I haven't seen her in ages. Her wedding is in September. That is just crazy. Stoked to spend a night or two with her. Then, London is next week.

I'm semi stressed about London. I don't have too many things planned outside of the class tours, which takes up half of the time to begin with. I know I will be visiting a few stadiums that I'm writing about but other than that... I'm very open. The girl I am rooming with seems pretty cool and I'm sure her and I will venture together. She approached me last class about vegetarian/organic eating in London, so at least I have someone else to eat with over there.

I'm very ready for spring/summer time already. I'm over the snow. I'm over not wanting to get out of bed because I know that once I do, I will freeze. I cannot wait to just be outside just for the sake of being outside. I just want to LAY in the park and enjoy the sun and the breeze. I hope this summer tops last. Even though I spent last summer with seriously, the DEVIL, it was a great summer. Beach, jet skiing, parks, dogs, boating, road trips... it was good. I hope Casey will be in town this summer again. We were good company for each other last summer. I miss her but it's so rough hanging out with my friends now that I am 100% not involved in sorority life. Especially times like now, now that pledging has started. I want nothing to do with that and I don't want the new girls knowing who I am on that level so I want to stay away at all costs. It'd be nice to have things to do though... but all their lives are consumed.

Amy might be going to grad school here, if she doesn't get into a school on LI. I would be extremely happy if she stayed here. It sure is going to be lonely next year. Everyone is graduating for the most part, if they haven't already. I should be too, whoops?

I've been in contact with a few landlords since I haven't signed a lease for next year, still. Right now I'm feeling that itch. I want to move around again... I'm not satisfied with staying here but I know at this point, I've got to stick it out one more year just so I get my undergrad done. I found some solid one bedroom apartments for under $400, two with utilities included. I was planning to sign a lease this week but now that Amy is halfway considering staying in Oswego for grad school, I'm going to push the signing off until after I'm back from London. Hopefully she'll know by the end of March what she's doing. I think living alone would be for the best though. I've never really been able to get along with living with someone.

I really thought my sleeping patterns would be back on track after this weekend. Fail. Epic fail. I went to sleep early on Thursday night and woke up around 8:30am on Friday because Luke kind of woke me up. I wish I stayed awake all day, but I napped... but I still was able to go to sleep early Friday night. But, I napped again Saturday afternoon! Then Saturday night Luke and I both passed outttttt while watching a movie and we both came to around 8:45 this morning. If I had stayed awake after Luke left, I would have been golden. But, I fell back asleep around noon until nearly 4. Now it's going on 4am and I'm wired. I laid down, lights out, at midnight... no luck. Texted for a bit, tried again, no luck. Everyone is asleep, except me. Which is rare because I've had Luke to talk to at ridiculous hours for the last month.... but he's asleep. Bummer. I'm contemplating staying awake all day and then DYING after my class tonight. But, I don't know if I'll make it. It's only 4. Even if I lurk the internet, eat breakfast, and shower... it won't kill enough time until the library opens.

Speaking of the damn library. I really need to get a move on my paper for my London class. It is due not this Wednesday but next Wednesday. I convinced him to let me write about UK Football with a focus on London based teams and London subculture... I need to do a good job. I haven't even started. I meant to this weekend, just never did. I want it DONE before Heather gets here so that I'm not stressing out about it. Especially because I have my first counseling exam next Monday that I need to get a fucking A on. Once I find my sources for the paper, I know I'll do a fantastic job. I've just never had to use sources strictly from the library... I don't even know how to find books in the suny library. fml, right? Technically I'm about a senior now... and I've never had to use library sources. Go figure. That's NYS education for you. I'm hoping to get all my sources gathered tomorrow and Tuesday and then begin writing Wednesday and then spend my freetime Wednesday and Thursday writing. Then Friday I don't have classes so I can spent the entire day finalizing everything so that I can enjoy my last weekend here before London.

Womp Womp. Who really cares about all of this bullshit? Not I.

You know who I miss? Robert Manley Button III. Now that you have your liscense, you can drive to see me... and meet Ninja. Yes? K cool thanks. It's been about two weeks since I saw you. Actually, two weeks today (Sunday). NOT COOL.

I need to find something to do. Perhaps I'll just read for a few hours.

afjafjadslfjaofrjmwra,;odfm

Someone kill some time for me.

Crazy how so much can change in less than a week. But, that is life I suppose. It's been a rough week but I will keep my head up. I gotta make sure that I keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward.

It's almost London time. Two weeks from tomorrow. Time flies.

hmm... It's been quite a while since I've written in here. I haven't felt the urge to.

Things have still been great since whenever I wrote last. Jay visited again, it wasn't so great the second time around. I was a huge douchebag the entire weekend. It made me realize how much I value my space and time alone. It was so bad at one point that I lied and said I needed to poop and I took my laptop into my bathroom and just sat in there for 10 minutes online. I just wanted to be left alone. And one of the nights I pretended to be really tired so that we'd relax because I knew he'd fall asleep, so that I could go online and bullshit like I usually do. I hate entertaining friends so much. It's not bad if it's for a night or something... but for a weekend!? I find it very difficult to go an entire weekend with someone by my side. And it's even worse that he's from out of town so he doesn't really know anyone other than my friends. But, it's whatever. I felt bad that I was so crappy but can't change that now.

I've spent a lot of time with Luke lately, which has been really nice for a change. It's good having someone around again that I can have legit convos with that aren't about "so and so did this, so and so said this" kind of stuff. We don't have mutual friends so there's no friend drama or anything like that. Though, my sleeping patterns have been severly fucked for the last three weeks because of the amount of time Luke and I spent talking/hanging. I'm up til 6am the earliest every night and the other night, I fell asleep around 10:20am and had to be up at 10:45 for class.

It's been rough, the lack of sleep, but it's the best thing that's happened in months. After everything that happened back in November it's been tough to escape that situation, especially because the people that are closest to me know about it so they constantly ask about it. I'm finally now to the point where I feel okay with what happened, finally. I've kind of worked it out in my head and have come to terms with it. I feel good.

Classes have been out of this world amazing. It's crazy how much someone can change their attitude about something in such a short period of time. Even the class that is boring as hell and so easy, psych stats, has become something that I take pride in because it is so easy to me and I know it's not for everyone. I'm really shooting for a 3.5 or higher this semester. The only class I see as a true challenge is my phl 442 class because the professor is extremely strict on writing and the class is based off of discussion and papers. She said the first week that she's going to try to treat the class like her grad classes because it is a 400 level class and she figures anyone in the class will eventually go onto grad school. Which, was exciting to me because I knew it'd be a challenge but at the same time, it is going to be a CHALLENEGE. I'm ready for it though.

I leave in three weeks today for London. Literally, three weeks. I am so stoke on that. It is going to be such a freakin' great time. I'm leaving my cell phone turned off the entire time. It's going to be amazing to just get AWAY for a while. We're doing so many awesome things and I'm going on my own to do some AWESOME things. I cannot wait to go. We have to keep a journal while we over there so I will probably post that.

So, it's valentines day today. Luke and I were up real late last night, of course, and I slept til late afternoon today. I've just been hanging with Ninja all day. I got a package today from Jason. He send me a teddy the size of me and some chocolate and sour gummy worms. So good. Last night after Luke and I got back here, we were sitting in my living room and he randomly gets up and grabs paper and a pen from my room and won't show me what he's doing and a bit later, he comes out, makes me close my eyes and stick out my hand and he puts a card in my hand. It was crazy cute. It was the best home made card I've ever gotten, that's for sure. I hung it on my wall.

Luke's definitely a one of a kind dude, in more than one way. I'm fortunate to have met him. He's one of those people you meet that even if you want to, you will never ever forget. I hope he gets out of this shit hole town soon.

I need to head off. I have some work I should do and I need to get a start on my papers. My paper for London is going to be difficult. I convinced my professor to allow me to write about London football clubs and the subculture of that scene. He wasn't too sure how he felt about it because he wasn't sure how many legit sources I'd find, but I convinced him to let me work on it for a week and show him what I've found and if it's up to his standards, I could write about it and if not, I'd change my topic. I need to find some kick ass books and articles before Wednesday.

And I'm off...

When I fall asleep, I'm at fucking peace...

Things have been great since I've been back up in Oswego. Jason's visit last weekend was nice. Show was good. Hung with my stud muffin Robert Manley Friday, got to ride with Aaron and Ted Friday night at lab, hung with Mayo on Tuesday, nice relaxing weekend, saw Gran Torino which was hysterical and got into a super intense conversation last night which had me up til this morning and really made me think...

Some topics that I felt very passionate about less than a year ago, I'm very unsure of now. And the one thing that's been circulating often in my brain has been a woman's rights to do what she wishes with her body. If a girl gets pregnant, what gives her the right to abort a child if the contributing man to that what would be child is completely against it? Or vice verse. For my ENTIRE life I've been pro-choice, and I still very much so am, but I'm just not so sure anymore how much power I feel I have. What rights do the to be fathers have? Don't they have a say? It's been boggling my mind that a man can be forced into paying child support for a child he was not for having. A man can be forced into a decision regardless of whether he supports it or not whereas a woman cannot. Nobody can FORCE a woman to have a child nor can someone FORCE a woman to abort a child. So, what is to say a man can be FORCED into either of these? It's strange that I would argue this point of view since I am clearly not a man... but it's been blowing my mind. It is such a tough topic to be so cut and dry on, which obviously is why it is such a highly debated topic.

A feminist will say that a man should be obligated to pay child support regardless of whether he is for having this child because he needs to 'be a man' and accept responsibility for his actions. While, I do believe a man needs to accept responsibility for his actions... women should be held to the same standards, no? If both men and women should be help responsible for their actions, then what makes it right for a woman to abort a child? Excluding the fraction of pregnancies that result in the failure of a form of birth control, if a pregnancy results in a complete neglect to protect oneself from this occurrence, then why is it so widely accepted to NOT accept responsibility and just remove this potential life? And the fact that it is so common should not make something more acceptable and I strongly feel that is a factor in its widespread popularity.

Again, I must remind anyone reading this, and myself, that I am indeed pro-choice.

Another aspect that gets under my skin is that my mother could have easily aborted me and then I would not have the privileged of experiencing life. Imagine if everyone made the decision to abort their child... none of us would be here. You have a growing being inside of you. I'm aware that it is not murder to have an abortion, but part of me is so uncomfortable with the whole idea. What is inside of you, whether you want to call it a child or not, will eventually grow into a tiny person. A tiny fucking PERSON. And by having an abortion you are denying that TINY PERSON life. Bah, it kills me.

I am so torn on how I truly feel. Sometimes, I agree with abortion. Sometimes, I don't. I just typed out that I no longer can agree with abortions for selfish reasons. If you were careless and slept with someone unprotected, accept responsibility for your moronic choice. But, at the same time, it is almost just as self sh to have a child if you are not ready to be a parent and will not opt for adoption. Growing up in a broken home is not fair to anyone either. And I can't honestly say that I've NEVER been guilty of having unprotected sex. I'm not too sure I know a single person that has not had sex at least once unprotected. And I'd always expect to have the right to decide the outcome of my body god forbid anything were to happen to me. But, I am just so conflicted.

Man. It's so late, almost 3am, and I have a doctors appointment at 8am.

I believe that the option of abortion is absolutely necessary. I just wish that there weren't so many careless pregnancies that end with abortion.

God, I sound like a right wing jesus lover in this post. That is so far from what I am. I'm going to look at this tomorrow and rip it apart with my left wing, liberal views. I only wrote specifically about these reasons because they are the reasons contributing to my conflict on how pro-choice I am.

I probably shouldn't post this because I didn't fully argue my case and I got too tired halfway through to finish the argument going on inside of me about this... but whatever. Deal with it.