Sunday, January 25, 2009

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I wish that in a lifetime, you were given three passes to change something in your past. If that were possible, I think I would use one of my cards. It's been a really rough past two months but I just kept going, knowing that time seems to help with things you cannot change. And now that I know I hurt someone through a choice I made makes me so frustrated. Having to see them kills me because I'm only reminded of what happened back in November. I was back and forth yesterday about going to the show because I knew exactly how I'd feel but I decided to suck it up and go... and for the rest of the night I kept wishing I could go back and not be so damn stubborn and not think I can just handle things on my own.

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to my phl 442, Social Philosophy, class. There's 8 people in my class including my professor who is absolutely insane in the best way possible. She opened the class with an introduction about herself which consisted of these facts: she left her super conservative family in her teens to join an anarchist group, she had an abortion before it was legal when she was a teenager, she used to write and review for an anarchy magazine, she spoke on behalf of pro-choice before Roe v. Wade was decided, she went to school for about 15 years on and off while working with multiple activist groups, she hates the American education system, and she's out of her mind. Our activity on the first day was to write down any political and/or social concerns we have, domestic or international and also if we were an autocratic ruler, how would we rule, what kind of laws would be enforce. We talked about that for the entire class. So stoked on this class. I think it's going to be a challenge. It's really going to push me to learn a lot, especially because it's such a small group of students and the other 6 people in the class seem to be extremely intelligent.

So far the three classes I've attended seem like they are going to be interesting, and not easy. I have my Intro to Counseling, cps 310, class tomorrow which I'm curious to see what that is going to be like. I feel like that's the one course this semester that I REALLY truly need for the future.

I've been thinking a lot about school lately, undergrad school at least. Before I came up here a few days ago I was looking over my schedule, thinking about how many classes there are that I want to take. Then I got to thinking that I don't have many classes left that I NEED to take to graduate. I've got this semester, one this summer, and next semester... but there is just so much that I want to learn, so much that I think is important for me to learn. I'm going to leave school with a degree in psychology, and then get my masters and phd focusing on the counseling aspect of psychology. But, there is so much more that I want to know. I've taken a few courses in different areas for gen eds, but most I took when I was younger because
I HAD TO. I don't remember a single thing from freshman year, or really sophmore year. I bounced around a lot between schools, didn't know exactly where I wanted to be or what was important to me. I went to class and passed because there was no other option. I did what I had to to get the grades, but everything was in one ear and out the other.

This past year I've noticed a significant difference in the way that I learn and how I view the importance of an education. I want to be a well rounded person. I want to take classes that I'm interested in. I don't want to be done with school and look back and think 'gee, I really wish I took this course... it probably would be have been really interesting'. I want to actually TAKE those courses. I found out the other day that my philosophy class may not count towards anything in my degree but I don't even care, I'm still going to take it because I know it's going to challenge me and I'm motivated to do really well and learn all that I can from the course work and also from the professor. I really do think I'm going to just fill the gaps in the next three semesters with courses I'm interested in, even if they won't count towards anything. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to learn everything possibly during my undergraduate degree and not wish I did something different.

Some people will probably think I'm insane for feeling this way, or maybe not insane, but just not understand what I think I'm going to do. I guess to most people it's get in, get your degree, get out. And also, school is expensive so it's important to get your head straight, get good grades in the courses you need to take, get your degree and be done with little to no loans. But, I'm fortunate in the sense that I don't have huge school bills like most people do. I'm also very unfortunate because it took me an extremely long time to get my head straight and get focused.

There's so much I want to do but I feel like there is just no time to do anything because I'm so overwhelmed with the plan that was made for me that I didn't take part in making. That goes for everyone. It's go to high school, go to college, graduate in 4-5 years, either get a job right away or get your masters then get a job, get married, have kids, and then help them do that. It's just not what I want. I've been going with the flow and it's not gotten me very far. I'm 21 and I've got the world ahead of me and I want to take as much advantage as I possibly can. Most of my friends are graduating at the end of this semester and that's cool with me. I've got plenty of time and am in no rush what so ever.

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