xrobsxedgex: because you're a girl
xrobsxedgex: that likes dudes
yourxsooxrad: No, I like weiners, get it straight.
yourxsooxrad: I don't like dudes.
yourxsooxrad: DUDES fucking suck.
If everybody only knew how true the fragment of this conversation truly is. I'm completely done trying to make anything work at all, with anyone. But, that means I'm just completely staying away from male companions one hundred percent, aside from just friendships of course.
I thought in this last situation, leaving names out of course, that I'd be able to separate friendship and whatever else was going on. I've never put myself in that position before, where I was hanging out with someone and it was a group consensus that no relationship was going to stem from it. We both laid that out on the table after that initial weekend. I was in absolutely no position to be involved because I wasn't nearly over a past relationship and he was in the exact same position. I guess we were just enjoying each others company. And I can only speak for myself, but I think when it started, I was using his company to fill the void of losing someone extremely important and crucial in my life. That's not to say I don't think he is an absolutely wonderful person, because I truly do and I loved spending time with him. But, having someone to text when I was happy or angry, or having someone text me when something crazy happened at work or call me during the election to tell me about the convention they were at... having someone to kiss and go out to have a drink with, or to sleep next to... it was just so, nice.
Somewhere along the way though, I let it get the best of me. I confused myself I think about what was going on. I'm not sure if true feelings for this person surfaced or if I got caught up in just having someone around. Regardless of which it was, I got down on myself, hard, for trying to block emotions and just hang around. I spent so many years trying to NOT feel things and putting myself in situations where it was SAFE because I knew it was going no where.
It's like I'm so afraid to truly be with someone that I keep finding situations where there's a big "dead end" sign at the beginning of the road. But, I'm HUMAN and I'm SENSITIVE so somehow, I'm always the one that ends up hurt, still. I know I deserve more than this past situation. And that person did NOTHING wrong, and I have nothing but complete respect and love for him, he's GREAT (like tony the tiger would say). I've just lost a small spec of respect for myself I suppose.
And I sit here and I say to myself that I'm voiding relationships from being a possibility in any near or distant future that I see... but I don't mean it. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship that will compare to my first relationship though. Six years is a long time to be with someone... I truly don't know if anyone could ever tolerate me for six years again.
I think now, all these "dead end" attempts, the whole two I've had since my relationship ended... I was really just looking for a friend and got caught up in the web because it's difficult for people of the opposite sex to be just friends, especially when there is an attraction between the two. Jason was my best friend. I met him when I was twelve, all of our friends were mutual, and we ended up dating down the line and I spent almost six years straight with him. He was there through the worst of my teen years, and he stood by me, held my hand, and helped me get better. Losing him as a constant in my life was possibly the most difficult things I've endured thus far. And since I lost him, I haven't found a friend like him. Losing him in my life in the romantic relationship sense wasn't nearly as difficult to deal with, it was the friendship aspect that still hurts and it's been quite some time now.
Fuck man. I really just need something CONSTANT in my life. Everything that I have in my life is constantly changing. This is the first time I've stayed at a school for longer than a year. My friends haven't stayed the same for as long as I can remember. Since I decided to go clean, I've kind of been bouncing around and I haven't planted myself firmly anywhere. It's almost like I identified myself through my drug abuse. That was my constant. It was something I always had, knew I could count on, knew would never go away for as long as I wanted it there. Cutting that out of my life is and will always be my proudest moment in my life. I just wish it wasn't taking so long to truly recover from what I did, what I saw, what I experienced. I've been clean for four years almost and I'm STILL looking for who I am without the baggage.
I'm on track in life. I've managed to stay away from drugs. I'm healthy to the point that I can be confronted with drugs and I have the strength to say no. I don't have any of the bad habits I had growing up. I'm almost done with my undergraduate degree in psychology, then it's on to my MA in general psychology and PhD in clinical psychology. I have a job, I have friends, I've mended my relationship with my family that I trashed because of my actions that resulted from my drug use, I now have a pet to create responsibility for myself. Everything on the outside is going real well, but I'm literally a shaken bottle of soda begging for someone to just twist my cap.
I just stepped away from this post for a few minutes and I've lost all desire to continue. It really took a strange turn. Went from my conversation with Rob last night to soda bottles. Intense. I'm just going to stop now. It's 4 and I have an art final at 5:30 that I've not yet began to review for. Typical.
So now, alone or not, you've gotta walk ahead.
Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too.
xrobsxedgex: that likes dudes
yourxsooxrad: No, I like weiners, get it straight.
yourxsooxrad: I don't like dudes.
yourxsooxrad: DUDES fucking suck.
If everybody only knew how true the fragment of this conversation truly is. I'm completely done trying to make anything work at all, with anyone. But, that means I'm just completely staying away from male companions one hundred percent, aside from just friendships of course.
I thought in this last situation, leaving names out of course, that I'd be able to separate friendship and whatever else was going on. I've never put myself in that position before, where I was hanging out with someone and it was a group consensus that no relationship was going to stem from it. We both laid that out on the table after that initial weekend. I was in absolutely no position to be involved because I wasn't nearly over a past relationship and he was in the exact same position. I guess we were just enjoying each others company. And I can only speak for myself, but I think when it started, I was using his company to fill the void of losing someone extremely important and crucial in my life. That's not to say I don't think he is an absolutely wonderful person, because I truly do and I loved spending time with him. But, having someone to text when I was happy or angry, or having someone text me when something crazy happened at work or call me during the election to tell me about the convention they were at... having someone to kiss and go out to have a drink with, or to sleep next to... it was just so, nice.
Somewhere along the way though, I let it get the best of me. I confused myself I think about what was going on. I'm not sure if true feelings for this person surfaced or if I got caught up in just having someone around. Regardless of which it was, I got down on myself, hard, for trying to block emotions and just hang around. I spent so many years trying to NOT feel things and putting myself in situations where it was SAFE because I knew it was going no where.
It's like I'm so afraid to truly be with someone that I keep finding situations where there's a big "dead end" sign at the beginning of the road. But, I'm HUMAN and I'm SENSITIVE so somehow, I'm always the one that ends up hurt, still. I know I deserve more than this past situation. And that person did NOTHING wrong, and I have nothing but complete respect and love for him, he's GREAT (like tony the tiger would say). I've just lost a small spec of respect for myself I suppose.
And I sit here and I say to myself that I'm voiding relationships from being a possibility in any near or distant future that I see... but I don't mean it. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship that will compare to my first relationship though. Six years is a long time to be with someone... I truly don't know if anyone could ever tolerate me for six years again.
I think now, all these "dead end" attempts, the whole two I've had since my relationship ended... I was really just looking for a friend and got caught up in the web because it's difficult for people of the opposite sex to be just friends, especially when there is an attraction between the two. Jason was my best friend. I met him when I was twelve, all of our friends were mutual, and we ended up dating down the line and I spent almost six years straight with him. He was there through the worst of my teen years, and he stood by me, held my hand, and helped me get better. Losing him as a constant in my life was possibly the most difficult things I've endured thus far. And since I lost him, I haven't found a friend like him. Losing him in my life in the romantic relationship sense wasn't nearly as difficult to deal with, it was the friendship aspect that still hurts and it's been quite some time now.
Fuck man. I really just need something CONSTANT in my life. Everything that I have in my life is constantly changing. This is the first time I've stayed at a school for longer than a year. My friends haven't stayed the same for as long as I can remember. Since I decided to go clean, I've kind of been bouncing around and I haven't planted myself firmly anywhere. It's almost like I identified myself through my drug abuse. That was my constant. It was something I always had, knew I could count on, knew would never go away for as long as I wanted it there. Cutting that out of my life is and will always be my proudest moment in my life. I just wish it wasn't taking so long to truly recover from what I did, what I saw, what I experienced. I've been clean for four years almost and I'm STILL looking for who I am without the baggage.
I'm on track in life. I've managed to stay away from drugs. I'm healthy to the point that I can be confronted with drugs and I have the strength to say no. I don't have any of the bad habits I had growing up. I'm almost done with my undergraduate degree in psychology, then it's on to my MA in general psychology and PhD in clinical psychology. I have a job, I have friends, I've mended my relationship with my family that I trashed because of my actions that resulted from my drug use, I now have a pet to create responsibility for myself. Everything on the outside is going real well, but I'm literally a shaken bottle of soda begging for someone to just twist my cap.
I just stepped away from this post for a few minutes and I've lost all desire to continue. It really took a strange turn. Went from my conversation with Rob last night to soda bottles. Intense. I'm just going to stop now. It's 4 and I have an art final at 5:30 that I've not yet began to review for. Typical.
So now, alone or not, you've gotta walk ahead.
Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too.
allow me to twist your cap!
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