This is the day that life as I knew it, ended. And not in the romantic, optimistic way that this line was said in PS I Love You.
It's been nearly a month. Today is the 21st of December. In two days, an entire month has passed. I feel like it was just yesterday. I can almost still taste the salt of my tears running down my cheeks across my lips. I can almost still feel the knot in my stomach twisting.
God, I've never felt so lost as I did sitting there that day. I knew right then and there, that everything was going to change. That nothing... that I, would never be able to be the same person I was before. Careless and full of hope. In that very moment, every problem I'd ever faced in my excuse of a life seemed minuscule, completely obsolete.
A day has not yet passed that I haven't thought about that Sunday afternoon. The longest I've gone without crying has been about three days. It's been about two as of right now. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I'm haunted by this memory.
I keep telling myself that I'm fine, that it wasn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. I feel as though I'm telling myself this, forcing myself to move forward with my life because I feel that is what I am supposed to do. I feel that if someone knew what had happened, they'd expect that I'd be okay by now. And as for the very small amount of people that do actually know what happened, their lives have simply continued, just kept moving. It was really just a minor bump in the road that you forget about less than a mile down that road. Except me. I cannot even begin to fathom the idea of FORGETTING this.
What does being okay even mean? I've spent most of my youth trying to acquire some form of an answer to that question. Are you okay, he inquires. First, please define okay, I swiftly reply.
I never expected anybody's world to stop for me. But, I also didn't expect mine to.
Everytime I think about this, contemplate putting my feelings into words... I feel as though it's not worth it. I almost feel quilty for being so damaged over this. These things are simply no big deal. To some.
The worst part about the way that I feel is that I feel absolutely worthless. I just feel EMPTY. I feel as though I've lost a piece of me that I will never be able to get back. I've removed myself from everybody so much. I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, pushing my food around on my plate, and when I looked up at my happy family, I felt nothing. I heard every word they said, felt the vibrations of every laugh, felt the touch of love, saw the joy of family, and the only word I can put forth to describe my reaction to this, is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
How do you fix something like this? How is it possible to make something like this better?
One day, I want to wake up and have this not be within the limits of my first ten thoughts of the day. I want to go to sleep without thinking about this. I want to be able to live my life again.
Second to how absolutely lost and confused I've spent this past month... the fact that the one person that should have been there, wasn't, is the worst feeling possible.
Worthless and cheap are two words that consume my brain.
It's been nearly a month. Today is the 21st of December. In two days, an entire month has passed. I feel like it was just yesterday. I can almost still taste the salt of my tears running down my cheeks across my lips. I can almost still feel the knot in my stomach twisting.
God, I've never felt so lost as I did sitting there that day. I knew right then and there, that everything was going to change. That nothing... that I, would never be able to be the same person I was before. Careless and full of hope. In that very moment, every problem I'd ever faced in my excuse of a life seemed minuscule, completely obsolete.
A day has not yet passed that I haven't thought about that Sunday afternoon. The longest I've gone without crying has been about three days. It's been about two as of right now. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I'm haunted by this memory.
I keep telling myself that I'm fine, that it wasn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. I feel as though I'm telling myself this, forcing myself to move forward with my life because I feel that is what I am supposed to do. I feel that if someone knew what had happened, they'd expect that I'd be okay by now. And as for the very small amount of people that do actually know what happened, their lives have simply continued, just kept moving. It was really just a minor bump in the road that you forget about less than a mile down that road. Except me. I cannot even begin to fathom the idea of FORGETTING this.
What does being okay even mean? I've spent most of my youth trying to acquire some form of an answer to that question. Are you okay, he inquires. First, please define okay, I swiftly reply.
I never expected anybody's world to stop for me. But, I also didn't expect mine to.
Everytime I think about this, contemplate putting my feelings into words... I feel as though it's not worth it. I almost feel quilty for being so damaged over this. These things are simply no big deal. To some.
The worst part about the way that I feel is that I feel absolutely worthless. I just feel EMPTY. I feel as though I've lost a piece of me that I will never be able to get back. I've removed myself from everybody so much. I sat at Thanksgiving dinner, pushing my food around on my plate, and when I looked up at my happy family, I felt nothing. I heard every word they said, felt the vibrations of every laugh, felt the touch of love, saw the joy of family, and the only word I can put forth to describe my reaction to this, is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
How do you fix something like this? How is it possible to make something like this better?
One day, I want to wake up and have this not be within the limits of my first ten thoughts of the day. I want to go to sleep without thinking about this. I want to be able to live my life again.
Second to how absolutely lost and confused I've spent this past month... the fact that the one person that should have been there, wasn't, is the worst feeling possible.
Worthless and cheap are two words that consume my brain.
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