Live For a Living

It's been one crazy week since I've been home. Nothing real crazy happened, but I've kept myself busy to the point of not being on my computer longer than 20 minutes. And those 20 minutes were spent wisely... you know, myspace, facebook, syracuse board.

I didn't plan to come home until this past Tuesday evening, but I woke up Monday feeling spontaneous, and rather annoyed, so I threw my shit in my car and hit the road. I'm extremely glad I decided to do that instead of sticking around. It's been a great past week, catching up with people, spending time with my family and Jason. Home seems so great after I've been gone for a full year. This is the longest I've been home since before I went back to Oswego Fall '07.

I loved the gifts I got everyone this year. For my father, who I don't think I've sent a gift to since I was about 10, I included 5 OLD photos of him with us kids and it said "Family Ties" across the top. I know he loved it, he left my a voicemail saying so. For my mother, I got two quotes framed, "It's Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After" and "Success Means Always Believing You Can", because she's been having a real rough time these past 6 months and I also got her a REALLY nice frame that says "Memories..." and I put a bunch of photos from all the different trips we've taken to all different countries over the years. She loved it, she cried. For both Matt and Mike I found super old photos from when we were kids, each of me with the other individual, and I put them in frames that said "The best things in life aren't things..." and "The best place to be is home...". I even made my grandma one with pictures of her and us three kids on different holidays and vacations we took as kids with her and it said "Grandkids" across the bottom. I gave it to her last night at the family christmas party and she absolutely loved it. I'm glad I decided to go with my photo idea instead of regular gifts because I think it meant a lot more than a nice sweater, or snowboarding passes and stuff like that. I'm really happy about this Christmas.

Also, big news about work. I originally planned to go back to Oswego today, but I pushed it back because I have a doctors appointment Tuesday, and then I pushed it back because I wanted to be in town for New Years Eve instead of spending it alone in Oswego... but tonight, Brian texted me and I told him to put me on the schedule for Friday on and his response was just strange to me, so I called him. And after we talked about work, and us, and personal stuff and work crap... I decided, or really WE decided, that I can no longer work for him. It's just gotten to the point where I can step back and realize, in a completely mature and civil way, that it's just not what's for the best. I messed my summer courses up because I kept taking off and doing other stuff instead of going to class, and I messed the fall semester up over drama that I shouldn't have been involved in. And I absolutely refuse to let work or my friendship with him interfere with why I'm in Oswego in the first place. I have goals set, I want to get OUT of Oswego as soon as possible. And I want to leave Oswego a better, healthier, happier person than I entered Oswego back in 2005 and I truly do not see that happening with him in my life.

Though, this leaves me jobless. Steve Baby and I were texting earlier tonight and I believe I am going to apply at Hollister ::throws up:: and just work there. He said he'd like it if I worked there, I wouldn't mind rejoining the Hollister team either and Steve's good company to have around... but it's shit pay and quite a hike to go to work. Although, perhaps it'll be worth it. I mean, a 40 minute drive and a pay cut is worth it to no longer be depending on Xtreme Underground. Should be interesting to work somewhere where I don't fit in anymore. But then again, when did I ever fit into Xtreme Underground? I want to make Christina hire me back at Rockstar and let me rock the fuck out of the jewelry there for the next three weeks and then I can just stay home until PBC and Forfeit the 24th.

It kills me that Brian isn't being mature about this. You'd think that since it was kind of a mutual agreement, he'd have taken it better. His ego is bruised I think because I don't want to work for him or be his friend, and I think he gets that I mean it this time. I would have killed him, or someone else, if I stayed working there. It was for the best. I'm tired of being responsible for STUPID things that don't mean anything. All I should be responsible for is getting my degree and working a typical job and being a normal employee.

I need to start looking at masters programs and phd programs next semester so I can start narrowing schools down to apply to in the fall. Kind of scary. Me, a college graduate... going on to get my MA and PhD.

Dr. Boney. I just love that sound of that.

Funny story. I had breakfast the other morning with Jay and his mom and his sister came as we were finishing up and after I left, she told Jay that she just remembered that she was my camp counselor when I was like, 12. She said that I look exactly the same, except almost 10 years older, and that she'd never forget a last name like Boney. Well, duh. You'd think she would have realized that some time during the 6 years Jay and I dated, or the almost 2 years since we dated.... regardless, funny.

I'm not sure when I'm going back to Oswego now. I'm no doubt finishing out the week here. Shannon and I had plans to board on New Years Eve, but I broke the news to her the other day that I wouldn't be back for that. And I want to go riding with Ted bad as well. I should probably work on getting a job set up before the semester starts as well. I suppose next week will be a good week to head back up.

I really needed this past week though. It grounded me. It was a nice wake up call after a fairly rough year. Coming home, being with the people I've been with for my entire life... really reminds me exactly who I am. I am so far from what some think of me up at school. I am a fucking loser. I'm shy, I'm nervous, I have a huge fucking heart, and I just love my family and my friends. I miss being able to just be ME and not being afraid of that. This was just what I needed...

Tuesday my mom and I are taking the train into the city to see the tree and just hang. I feel like both her and I need that. A nice relaxing day hanging out, out of Rockland, just the two of us. I truly could not think of a better way to end this year. For both her and I, it's not been the easiest year. We both went through a lot, different things, but equally as painful. I truly do believe that 2009 will be a brand new life for her and for myself. We both learned a lot about ourselves. We both were alone for the first time for me and in a long time for her. I've grown up and realized a lot about myself and I think she has realized quite a few things about herself. I am truly proud that she is my mother and that I am her daughter. I am going to really stick by her for this next year, I want to make sure that she gets what she deserves.... and she deserves the world.

I want this next year of my life to be about growing as an individual, making that transition into adulthood, getting to truly know my family as more than just my family, getting to know my true friends, and letting myself truly just live. I found myself involved earlier today in a conversation about life and living, and why we all live and what everyone strives for. It's sad that when people are asked what they do for a living, they simply state what their job or career is. Everyone identifies their self-worth with their JOB and the MONEY they make. Why can't people just LIVE their lives FOR A LIVING.

Just fucking LIVE. Just be happy with what you have. Money comes and goes, jobs change all too often, boyfriends and girlfriends change all the time. Everything is constantly changing and all you can do is just live. I myself am guilty of getting down on life because I don't have money to do this or that, or buy that, or because my current love-interest isn't living up to all that I hoped for, or because I didn't get the grade I anticipated, or my job sucks bla bla. But, in the end... what does any of that truly matter? I have a great family. I have some great friends that have stuck with me all my life. I've lived a VERY fortunate life. I should be thankful for everything positive that I have an not worry about all the negatives because eventually, negatives turn into positives and vice-versa and that's just life.

All I can do is stay positive and just live my life. I've preached that "live your life" quote for YEARS now but I really need to start believing it and embracing it. I just want to fucking live. I have so much going for me and so much potential and opportunity, and I am more fortunate than many and I should feel blessed for what I have and accept what I don't. I'm done focusing on what I don't have, what's missing in my life. If I keep living like that, I'm going to forget all that I do have and I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward to. I'm 21 fucking years old. My life is now only truly beginning. I have a LIFETIME ahead of me...

This year, I am going to start living.